


And When The Stardust Fades Away, I Hope You'll Stay

by tiniestbauble



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Phan - Freeform, Phan AU, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phandom - Freeform, but mental health recovery as well, it's gonna be happy guys don't worry, phandomreversebang, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 15:26:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12962400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiniestbauble/pseuds/tiniestbauble
Summary: Dan's life had ups and downs. And then there was a very naked Phil, who crash-landed into his window and into his life right from the sky to grant Dan his hearts desires. Only the heart is a notorious creature, it desires what Phil isn't sure he can grant Dan. But somehow along the journey Dan's heart learns there is always hope-things do get better. And there is a dog in the story. He is a good dog, a very good boye, the very best in fact!(Trigger Warning: This fic deals with mental health issues, namely those of depression and anxiety. If you're dealing with those kind of things and you feel uncomfortable, I'm leaving some links at the end where you can find some really good help. And just like Dan of my story has a happy ending, you guys will get it too. Things do get better as cliche as it sounds- Love M)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a Phandom Reverse Bang fic, based on the beautiful art done by axolotlpj on tumblr (www.axolotlpj.tumblr.com), which you can find here (https://axolotlpj.tumblr.com/post/168366069705/henlo-this-is-my-art-for-the-phandomreversebang). It's amazing and it inspired this baby of mine which I and my beta- Laura (www.heartfeltfangirl.tumblr.com) have been working on for months. Laura is an excellent editor, so patient, giving me great opinions, correcting my grammar so patiently, and the commas, oh my god so many commas were patiently added by her, she's probably a wizard secretly. So thank you both. You both were so excellent!I had so much fun writing this, even if I literally procrastinated this literally till the last minute. And I hope you guys like this fic! And go like the art and give some love to both my teammates!  
> Also since the last fic I posted was like a millions years ago on Valentines Day, I've decided I should find what celebratory day it is on the day I post. So December 10 has- Human Rights Day and Noble Prize Day! Let's hope to see this world improve.

1

 

“Daniel, could you tell us the section code for Identity Theft?” The question fell on deaf ears, as Daniel Howell continued to stare out the window.

“Daniel? Mr Howell!”

“Yes sir! I’m sorry!” Dan replied immediately. It wasn’t the first time he was lost in his own little world and called out for it. The apologies came reflexively to him now.

Professor Williams sighed. He was an old man in his sixties. And never had he a seen a student so disinterested.

“I’d like you to stay back after class, Mr Howell. Alright, so as we were discussing, Identity Theft is different from Identity Fraud. In the basic sense, Identity Theft is literally stealing someone else’s identity and using it for yourself, for whatever means or purposes. Whereas Identity Fraud is using a false identity or another person’s identity to gain certain benefits like that of credit cards or insurance money. Essentially both are used interchangeably and…”

Dan slowly tuned out  Professor Williams again. He felt guilty and he did try to pay attention. But something in his heart was tugging him to look outside of the four walls of the classroom, because the more he stared at the tiny room,  the more these walls seemed to come closer around him to trap him in. He felt suffocated, unless he looked outside at the sunlight or the falling rain or the snow covered ground and saw the birds tweeting and flying and people being people, out and about their lives, always giving each other a smile as they passed by.

Dan longed to be that happy. Happy enough that he could smile at a stranger from his heart and not out of mere societal obligation. He longed to be so happy about life that he’d want to get out of bed on his own, without the fear of failing a class or being a nobody in his life.

When the class ended and people shuffled out, his friend Xander , Dan (although it felt a stretch to call him that), patted his back and told him it’d be fine. Dan gave him a small smile and nodded. He knew it’d be fine. That’s all his life was, fine.

Professor Williams wastes no time to get to the point. He indicates Dan to pull a chair from the front row and sit in front of his desk. He opens his mouth a few times, before closing it again, struggling to find the right words to speak to his student. “Mr Howell, this is the third time in this month we’re having this meeting. I’m trying to understand you here, so help me. Is everything fine at home? Are you having any sort of troubles in your life that make you unable to pay attention in class? Because that’s fine. We’re here to help you. This is not a school where I can just punish you and hope it’d sort you out. You’re an adult Mr Howell, and you know well what you should be doing with your life. But if you can’t pay attention, then the issues should be tackled and dealt with rather than ignored. So tell me, can I help you in any way?”

Dan felt overwhelmed at Professor Williams words. He looked at the old and greying man, who’s glasses always fell down halfway over his nose, and his face always looked too kind. Dan felt a lump form in his throat. Out of all his teachers Professor Williams was his favourite, for the simple reason that he cared. And Dan hated this care. It was after so long that someone seemed to want to scrape the top fake layers off him and get to know him, the real him, and that scared him.

He shook his head and Professor Williams sighed.

“Look Daniel, talk to someone, okay? Something is troubling you and I can see that. I know you’re a bright kid, because for all the last minute studying you do, you end up with good marks. You’ve got a good brain up there. Use it wisely even for other things in your life. Get professional help if you have to. Take an off, take a drop if you must, but do it with a clear mind. Once you feel better you can continue ahead. There isn’t any hurry. You’re far too young to be hurrying up son.”

Dan looked at his shoes and realised a few tears had escaped his eyes when he saw them fall past him on the floor. He nodded, still looking away. Professor Williams got up and stood beside Dan, patting his back and waiting for his breathing to even out.

“Thank you Mr Williams,” He said, sniffling away the tears and snot.

“You know where to find me? You could also go to Mrs Carraway. She’s a professional right in our campus. I’ve been to her more than a few times. Helps to lighten the heart, you know?” Professor Williams chuckled a bit, trying to lighten Dan up.

“Take care Daniel.” And with that Professor Williams dismissed him.

Dan decided to take his mentor’s advice and took an off for the day, skipping the rest of his classes. He went to Starbucks on his way back to grab some coffee before heading to his house. He even smiled at a lady with a white pomeranian who easily ate half of his croissant as he bent down to pet it. 

He was glad none of his roommates were home just yet. He sat by the piano and stared at it for the longest time. It’d been awhile since he’d used it. It was an old piano that came with the house and when they first rented it three months ago, Dan was so excited to use it, but after a week he had never touched it again, never feeling like wanting to play it anymore.

The first few sounds were harsh and made him want to stop playing, but he fought with the inner voice that nagged him for being so horrible and not deserving of a piano. After a few minutes of continuing and a few attempts later, he got the hang of it. He played the simple Ode to Joy by Beethoven, one of the tunes he learnt from his initial few lessons with his horrible piano teacher. At his seventh go, he was able to play the whole thing with soft movements and only slight faltering. Finally when it came out right, he leaned back and smiled. It felt nice. Just to give himself some time and do something he enjoyed.

Dan thought the perfect tune deserved himself a price and he got up to eat some chocolate from the fridge. He laid on his bed and finally brought himself to look up Mrs Carraway on his phone. He’d known she was the Uni counselor and that a lot of people did go to her occasionally, especially around the exam time. But it was a surprise to him that even Professor Williams went to her. Maybe he’d let himself fall under the false perception that getting help was considered weak and pathetic. A perception that society had made about mental health and the social stigma around it. He sighed and let his thumb hover over the ‘Book an Appointment’ button for a while, before closing the page. He instead decided to play some Guild Wars, his favourite game and order two big pizzas for him and his housemates. At least their thanks when he offered them the food in the evening brought a genuine smile to Dan’s face. Little things, Dan reminded himself.

He decided to call it an early night, unlike his usual routine. For once he wanted to try and get to class on time and pay attention. He picked out a nice notebook for the next day and some colourful sticky notes, to try and make tomorrow’s classes interesting. After he finished packing and picking out his clothes, he laid on his bed and scrolled through his Twitter and Facebook for some time, wanting to divert his attention.

And that turned out to be a bad idea. He saw pictures of his ex-girlfriend, laughing and leaning into a man who looked just as happy. There was one candid picture of them where he was looking at her with nothing but adoration in his eyes. And then there were pictures of them around a campfire and in a boat. It made Dan queasy to look at her and her happy life and someone she was so in love with. It left a sour taste in his mouth, and undeniable longing in his stomach. Though, a part of him was happy that she was happy. They had an ugly breakup over a year ago and he knew she deserved better answers than just, “Long distances don’t work out”, but he was unable to give her any and so they left it at that. But she was happy and had someone who was just as happy to be with her. And yet even after letting go, something was holding him back, making him a tiny bit jealous, and a lot more sad…..

Dan locked his phone and bit on his lip. He sat up to drink some water and opened the window to get some fresh air. He felt a bit suffocated. He looked at the night sky and the roads below, how people still hustled away on the roads, some getting home, some making home of the streets. A few birds still chirped and Dan wondered what they could be up to at this time.

He looked up Mrs Carraway again on his phone. And somehow this time, he found the courage to press the blue button and book an appointment for himself.

Satisfied with himself he stuck a little post-it note to his desk with the date and time of the appointment. He smiled a little and looked up at the stars and decided to whisper to them about his plans. He had to share his secrets with someone, someone who’d not judge him for his decisions. And the stars just happened to be the nearest company. “I want to be happy, stars. It’s not too much to ask for, is it? I want happiness in the little things and big things. I want to live this life to the fullest, live an adventure, find someone, make somebody else happy! But I guess I’ll have to be happy myself for that. Four weeks, that’s how much time I’m going to give myself. If I can’t do it myself in four weeks, then I’m leaving it all up to an educated counselor and hope she can make me better, make me whole. Because I’m missing something or I’m broken somewhere inside and I don’t know how to fix it. But I will try. I’ll try for myself.” He heaved a sigh and shook his head. He knew he was being stupid, talking to the stars. A silly part of him hoped a Peter Pan would fly down and take him to Neverland and they could go on an adventure everyday.

But alas no Peter Pan ever came down. Dan twisted and turned for a long time in his bed, before the sleep gods finally decided to give his mind some rest. And he slept soundly without a dream.

Somewhere, a small little light fell down the Earth, growing dimmer as it descended. It landed on Dan’s window. The light took a humanoid shape, fading away all of it’s brightness, and yawned. The figure saw a bed and decided to nap, even though someone was already sleeping in it.

No Peter Pan came, but a weird unknown figure did arrive, and that’s what Dan woke up to, screaming his lungs out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	2. Chapter 2

2

 

“Dan! Dan! Are you alright? Open the door!” Xander shouted.

Dan’s eyes widened as the pale figure sleeping in his bed woke up and stared back at him with the same wide eyed expression. Dan scrambled to get away from it. But the  _ it  _ had somehow wrapped the blankets around both of them that Dan couldn’t make a quick work of it. The pale figure, looked almost ghostly. Not only was it too pale to be a human, it gave of a kind of...light? A glow! Dan finally managed to remove himself from the cocoon of blankets and backed away to the wall. To his surprise, the ghost figure made no move to try and catch him.

Dan gulped and decided to throw his pillow at the figure and run to open the door. Once open, all of his roommates and one of their girlfriend, clambered in with various make-do weapons in their hands, with the other two rushing in a few steps behind. Xander with the toast in his hand, Willow, his girlfriend, with her toothbrush, Ben with a coffee mug and Alexis empty-handed, but with a worried expression.

“What is it? Who is it?” They all took turns to pop the who, what, where, why, how questions, looking around Dan’s room. But just as Dan was about to point out to the obvious alien in his bed, he found his bed to be empty. Empty in a kind of unusual state, that gave away the fact that two people did sleep on it, but there was no one

Dan massaged his temples, taking deep breaths. He was sure there was somebody in his bed only moments ago, then how could it be suddenly empty? It had to be a dream, he told himself. The lucid kind, between being asleep and awake.

“Dan? Dan?” Everybody sounded concerned and Dan felt silly and thoroughly embarrassed now, having screamed like a baby over nothing.

“I thought...I thought I saw a rat, but it probably scurried away with all my screaming.” He said with his head down and reddened cheeks.

“Oh- don’t worry Dan. I see no marks on you. You ain’t dying of plague on us dude,” Xander hit his shoulder playfully and tried to shrug the whole situation off.

“Not yet,” Dan said, pursing his lips. “Thanks guys. Sorry to make you all- just sorry, okay? Excellent weapon choice though,” Dan wanted to dig himself a hole and crawl into it and stay there forever.

“Yeah don’t try and come at me while I have my toothbrush on me. You’ll die!” Willow joked and everybody chuckled or smiled before letting themselves out of Dan’s room.

Dan sighed as he closed the door and fell to the floor, his head banging slightly against the wooden frame. Just as his mind was about to call himself a stupid spineless git, he felt a presence hover over him and suddenly there was a hand on his mouth.

“Don’t scream! You scared me! You called me here and this is how you treat me? Humans…” The ghostly figure from before was back, this time, crouching down, with its hand around Dan’s mouth. It shook its head like it was all Dan’s fault.

“I didn’t call anyone!” Dan said but mostly what came out against the ghost’s hands was , “BDHBASHBASJDNKJDS”

The ghost seemed to analyse Dan as it stared into Dan’s eyes. And Dan couldn’t help notice the ghost’s eyes were so...radioactive? The seemed blue and green and yellow and almost silvery at the same time. It seemed like different colours of fire were roaring in its eyes, pretty fires. He almost expected it’s eyes to be just white slits, drained of all life. But this creature seemed to have a lot of life in it. It seemed to thrum with life and glow, giving off a kind of warmth.

“Look human, I am a star and last my teacher told me was that the Human Daniel James Howell has wished upon a star, you go Nor’uf-fin-ling-sua-gi.”

Dan wasn’t even sure of what the ghost, or star as he claimed to be, just said.

“What the fuck!” Again, it only came out as “JFHSGDJJD”

The ghost/alien/star thing sighed. “I'll let you go and explain myself on one condition- you don't scream again. These ears are sensitive.”

The thing’s eyes bore into Dan and Dan felt kinda hypnotised. He found himself nodding despite his fear. The thing let his mouth finally be free, and Dan took a huge gulp of air. Every cell in his body told him to shout and run away, except probably one deranged neuron with its synapse told him to give this weird thing one chance, just one.

“Look I'm a star. And this-” The thing proceeded to hold a very beautiful small black stone pendant tied around its neck, “is made of stardust. You want something, I crush a bit of it and grant you three wishes, obviously as long as your wishes comply to the star rules. We have a long set of rules, but they're mostly simple to understand. You get me?”

Dan's eyes flitted further down the thing's neck and it was then he noticed, the thing was naked, displaying human anatomy in its full glory. A rather gifted anatomy, in Dan's opinion, if flaccid lengths were to go by anything. And then he felt himself blushing and wanting to slap himself. Who thinks like that about weird imaginative creatures who proceed to call themselves stars!

Dan shook his head in reply. Because no, Dan didn't really get him.

“Okay so why don't you try wishing for something? And I'll show you that I can grant it for you!”

“I call bullshit. Who are you and why are you here, behind me? What have I even done to you? And for fuck sake put on some clothes dude!” Dan said, trying to make a disgusted face at the naked man, but he really wasn't that disgusted of him. And as much as he tried to avoid looking at the alien’s male genitals, his eyes flitted to it every few seconds.

“Did you or did not wish upon a star last night? Something about wanting an adventure? Wanting to be happy? Yada yada, you know?” The thing said. “Am I right?”

Dan nodded, feeling unsettled. His heart started thumping against his rib cage, fast and heavy and breathing seemed a difficult task. How could this thing know what he wished for last night? He had barely whispered to the stars. Unless he was floating in the air right outside his window or stuck to that wall like spider-man, there was no way he’d know.

“So go ahead and make a wish. And I'll really prove it to you.”

“But even if you're a star, how do- what- no wait- it doesn't- you-”

“You know, it's actually great you're not good with words. I'm a young star and we're supposed to grant non-verbal wishes. It's a rule. Until we reach like ten million years or something, we're only allowed to grant non-verbal wishes. Something about teaching us to gauge what humans really want without giving them the whole world or taking away too much from their reality. It helps us understand you better.”

Dan doesn't know if a non-celebrity version of  Punk’d exists or not. But he's sure he's on it and the reason this guy knows about his conversation with the stars last night is hidden cameras and excellent stalking skills. Yes! That has to be it, he declares in his head.

But he still takes his chances. “So anything I wish, you can make it come true?” He carefully stood up, back still to the door, trying to dig into it to get away from the alien who seemed to mirror his movements and get up as well, leaning closer.

“Well not everything you see. We can't do love and infinite wishes. Nor can we do feelings and trips to stars to see our lives, because that's our secret. Also no time travel. And not harming other humans or other sentient beings. Can't bring anything back from the dead. Yeah that's pretty much it. As long as your wish complies to these rules and is non-verbal, I can grant it.” The thing was smiling. Smiling too much, too brightly. A part of Dan thought maybe the reason this guy was so bright all over was because he really was a star, in a weird human form.

“I'm scared of you,” Dan admitted in a small voice. “I don't know how you know what I did last night. I don't know why you look the way you look. But whatever you say, scares me.”

Dan doesn't know why he just blurted his whole heart out, but he did.

“Why?” The figure asks.

“Because by your implications I can still ask for a lot of things. And it's not a power you should grant me. I'm a nobody. If you're pranking me, I'm still a nobody. People will laugh and forget about me. But if whatever you say turns out to be a joke, you're the worst kind of thing that'd have ever existed. To play on someone's emotions like that, that's beyond cruel.”

The thing sighed. Again. “Look, why don't you just ask and I'll prove it to you. We stars have magic, and this magic is as old as the universe and if the universe has sent me here, that very universe that has made everything exist, then it can't be wrong. So try me, Daniel James Howell.”

“I have way too many questions.”

“I know. Trust me, you're not my first. Last guy tried to shoot me with a gun. You're taking it much better. So what do you want?”

Dan thought about it. The star thing had too many rules. And how was Dan supposed to explain what he wanted without words! Dan let his eyes wander from the star to things around his room.

_ Superior piano skills? Could I ask for that? Should I ask for that? How would I even explain it to him? Is this thing even a him really? Do stars have concepts of human anatomy and the societal meanings of gender construct? I don’t know! Wait- I’m losing track here! What do I even want? Unlimited fast speed internet forever! Nah, that's pretty cheap as is, why waste one wish on that. Wait, I don't even know if this thing actually grants wishes! So why am I taking this seriously? Let's just try something obnoxious! Wait, where is he walking to ? Okay why is he checking out the switched off laptop so intently? Oh my god! I know what I should ask for! _

Without another word _ ,  _ Dan started to bark. The star was startled at the sudden noise but recovered quickly, but still accidentally knocked off Dan’s laptop in the process. Dan's heart seized up, breath knocked out and everything fell into slow motion as his laptop fell from the bed.

Thankfully his floor was carpeted.

Unfortunately he didn’t dare to shout at the star, because what if he really was a star and didn’t understand human stuff?

“Why are you barking?” The star asked him, looking at him with his head cocked sideways, like a confused animal.

“That's my wish you idiot! Didn't you just say non-verbal wishes and all that. So grant me!” Dan said, sounding annoyed. If this guy was really a star, he was doing a shit job at it.

“Oh okay do it again. I'm sorry.”

Dan felt almost bad for shouting at him. He sounded genuinely clueless of Dan’s intentions. He sighed and started barking again. The star dude hadn't said anything about not being able to give pets. So if this worked out, maybe he could ask for...well something, he hadn't decided that as yet.

So Dan barked again, trying to soften his disbelief and scowl into a wide eyed happy expression.

“Oh I know! You want to be a dog. I guess I can do that. There isn't a rule that says I can't. Hmm okay,” Phil said, taking his chain with the star pendant off.

Dan violently shook his head. “No! No! I don't want to be a dog! I want-”

The naked star suddenly jumped at him and shushed him with his finger.

“Shh. You'll curse it if you say it. Only and only non-verbal. Make it verbal and it'll be cursed. The opposite will happen.” The naked star had far too many rules for Dan's liking.

“Okay so follow me correctly for fuck sake. I wonder what you would've made of me if I didn't stop you!”

And then Dan bent down, pretending to stroke something, which he followed by getting on his fours and barking. He had never felt more stupid in his life. What was he doing and who was he even doing it for? A figment of his imagination? A guy from a prank show?

_ Well I've lost all my dignity anyways, _ He thought as he then proceeded to get back up again, pretend to tie something in the air and then stretch his arm out and start walking, in the tiny space his room provided.

“Oh! Now I get it! You want a dog! That I can do. A lot of people ask for pets actually. It's quite a common wish. You just wait here,” The star said, proceeding to break the star pendant in half. The breaking of the pendant emitted an almost blinding sort of light that made Dan close his eyes. When he could open them again, he found the star dude holding half a pendant in one hand and black dust in the other. The black dust was the blackest black Dan had ever seen.

“Wicked,” He found himself saying out loud.

“What? Doesn't that mean something bad?” The star asked.

“No. I mean yes. But sometimes it means cool as well.”

“Humans are confusing. You ready?” Something about this strange star and the way he spoke reminded Dan of an actual puppy turned human, excited and confused.

Dan nodded, suddenly feeling abnormally excited, like as if his wish was about to turn real.

The star held the hand with the black powder near his mouth and blew the dust over Dan. Surprised at the action, Dan yelped and quickly shut his eyes. A strange part of his brain concluded that this was it, his final moment, that this star dude would blind him and do stuff to him and leave him for the dead. But a moment later, Dan heard a tiny little whine with something incredibly soft rubbing against his leg.

Dan opened his eyes and stood there dumbfounded looking at the tiny pup at his feet. It was a very young golden retriever, whining at his feet, smelling and licking them and running around his legs excitedly.

“You...what?” Dan tried to make sense of the situation, but his brain was far too overwhelmed.

The star smiled a brilliant smile, his teeth blinding. “I had seen this one abandoned as I was coming down last night. He seems to like you.”

“I like him too. Oh god!” Dan said, bending down and fucking all his questions and emotions to just let him be in this moment and play with the pup. He pet the puppy over his head, and under his chin, behind his ears, and when he flopped on his tiny back, exposing his little tummy, Dan stroked his tummy as well, earning such happy noises from the baby animal.

“So you believe me now?” The star asked.

Dan looked up and found himself blushing. His face was too close to the naked star in this position. Too close to the star’s gifted anatomy than he would’ve liked. His face burned as he stepped away from the star and stood back up, taking the little pup in his arms.

“I don’t know what this trickery is, it’s beyond me, I can come up with numerous explanations, but a part of me desperately wants to believe you. So I guess...yes, that’s your answer.” Dan was glad he had the canine in his arms to hide his blushing face behind.

But soon Dan's face fell again. “I can't keep him. We aren't allowed pets here.”

“You can hide him. No one has to know,” The star suggested, “I can't take him back now, once a wish is granted, it is granted. Would you abandon him? Leave him for the dead?”

Dan sighs and looks at the puppy.

_ ‘He's too cute. _

_ But he's also going to be a menace. _

_ He'll be my best friend. _

_ He'll bark and keep everyone up at night. _

_ He'll guard this house. _

_ What if my roommates are allergic to him? _

_ He'll be loved by everybody. _

_ What if they kick me out because I had him? _

_ I'm sure they'll understand! _

_ I'm already poor. What if I'm kicked out without my deposit back? _

_ But oh god look at his eyes! And oh my god at his wagging tail! _

_ Why is he looking at me like that? I'm sorry pupper! _

_ No! I can't! I have to have him. He makes me happy! _

_ But-’ _

And then the puppy yawned, closing his eyes and nuzzling into Dan's chin before completely and trustingly falling asleep in his arms.

“Jesus fucking Christ! I'm keeping you. Don't overdo the cuteness, mister!” Dan smiled despite himself, cuddling the little one.

The star smiled as well, blinding Dan again.

“Dude, you have to stop smiling! It's so damn bright!”

“Oh sorry! If I lower my brightness I'll start feeling cold,” The star informed him.

“Well we have these amazing things called clothes on Earth. You should try them.”

“What's the point? I'll grant your other two wishes and I'll be back home. So tell me what they are.”

Dan’s heart beat fast once again. Out of fear. How was he supposed to decide what could make him happy right then and there. He couldn’t waste his remaining two wishes on something stupid and silly that he'd regret for the rest of his life. Materialistic wishes so easily came to his mind, but he knew they'd be short term happiness and then a lifetime of disappointment. But he didn’t know what else he could ask for, at least not yet. Especially given the fact he had to ask them non-verbally.

“I don't know. I need some time to think over it. Why don't you wear some of my clothes and sit in this room, taking care of this little guy, while I go to class and figure it out? You can even watch some movies on this. Just please don’t get out of this room, until I...” Dan said, while placing the sleeping puppy on his bed, covering him with his duvet, and offering the naked star his worn clothes from the bed. He reasoned with himself that it was okay to offer the star used clothes as he said used clothes didn't smell. Much. He also offered the star his little knock-off IPad, from a dupe company called Elda. It was a cheap purchase off his Amazon gift card from Christmas. It had been connected to the wi-fi and had no personal information like his laptop, so it was safe to be given.

“Until you what? And what's this? It's been a while you know? Your world changes a lot.”

“How much do you know about our world?” Dan asked, ignoring the first his interest piqued.

“A whole lot. About your ancestors. We live far too long. And we have far too many friends. That's why we know and understand all human languages, even ones that have wiped out. We understand animal languages as well. I can tell this puppy really likes you. He's going to be hungry as soon as he gets up. He was whining a bit for food before his desire to sleep took over Better get him some milk.”

Dan stared at the star. He couldn't possibly be making that up. Dan was still on the edge with this guy.

“Okay. I'll get him some milk, and you some...food? Do you have food?”

“We don't need to, but I like human food. It's nice.”

Dan nodded and scurried out of the room. He reached the kitchen and helped himself to some water. He poured the water over his face, pinched himself and proceeded to slap his face, but nothing changed. He was still in his same clothes. He still had that golden dog hair on his arm and memories of the past few minutes were just as vivid, not fading into nothingness like a strange dream.

_ “Well then I guess I have a dog and a star for company now,” _ Dan said to himself, taking some milk and cereal with two bowls and two spoons for his...companions.

Thankfully when he returned, the star had worn his clothes, and Dan found himself thinking this star could pass for almost human with most of his bright translucent skin covered up.

“I'll just keep these here,” Dan announced keeping the food and cutlery on his table, “And then I’ll go change and attend my classes. I've already missed the first one.” Which was something Dan would do quite often, but for now he wanted to be in class and not here. Because his head hurt being here, trying to figure out what's real and what's not.

The dog decided to wake up at the exact moment when Dan returned from the bathroom, having changed there instead of his room because of  _ certain companies _ he was suddenly having. The dog started barking madly as Dan tried to put on his shoes, trying to eat them or pull them away with his tiny teeth, Dan couldn’t tell.

“He doesn't want you to go,” The star said with a pout, as if feeling the dog’s emotion.

“I know pup. I don't want to go either. But I have to. I'll be back soon,” Dan soothed, petting him and looking at the star with a pleading expression. The star sighed and picked the pup up.

By the time he reached the door and turned around, it seemed both of his companions had a wide eyed, pout-lipped sad expression on their faces. And this stirred something in Dan. He couldn't remember the last time someone didn't want him to leave that desperately.

But for the sake of his sanity Dan left the two in his room and ran for his class. For the first time he wanted to go to class to give himself some distraction rather than be distracted by everything else whilst in class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	3. Chapter 3

3

 

“Hey dude? What's with you and the note-taking today?” Basil asked.

He was the kind of guy Dan was sure used to bully smaller, nerdier kids back in his school days and got away with it because A) He was smart, B) His parents were those parents, the rich, involved in the parent-teacher-community kind of parents.

Dan just shrugged and continued taking down notes. He needed to pay attention. And not for passing, but to stop his brain from going back to the strange events of today’s morning.

The day seemed to pass all too quickly for Dan's liking. He was counting on long, dragged out boring lectures about corporate law and history of law, but before he knew it, it was already five in the evening, all classes over. He had no choice but to go back to his house. With a sigh he started walking, as slowly as he could.

He returned home and nothing seemed out of place. At least they didn’t get out and mess the house up. Then Dan had a thought that made himself snort. They’re both good boys!

He opened the door to his room, to find the star-man looking out of the window, talking in hushed tones to the pup on his lap. He didn’t seem to notice Dan and Dan didn’t want to disturb the strange conversation the star was having with his pup. He felt like a creep standing there and eavesdropping, but Dan convinced himself a little snooping around is okay, especially if it came to such non-earthly beings.

“I know. You want to play. But Daniel told us not to go out. I used to play a lot with my star friends as well. When we were young, we used to chase each other a lot, but our elders always stopped us from doing it. Apparently if we collided into each other, we’d create a black hole or disintegrate. So that was scary. I’ve seen one of the old stars die out because a young little nubbin collided into them. They were probably going to die out because of their age, but no one expected this youngling to come out of nowhere and supernova them out of existence! These Earthlings talked a lot of this explosion in the sky, they thought-”

“Ahem.” Dan didn’t want to be noticed, but also it’d have been awkward to have just stood there and watch a star-man talk about his star life. He was a bit jealous that the star was talking about these things with the dog but not him.

“Oh!” The star said, while the puppy just jumped out of his lap and ran to Dan.

“Hey little guy? You missed me? I missed you too.” Dan wasn’t lying per se. He had missed the dog, but the confused and scary feelings were just more predominant. The dog was all too happy to be picked up by Dan and lick his face. It brought a smile to Dan’s face and he pet him behind his ear, nuzzling into him.

“I need to call you something, other than little guy. What do you look like huh?” Dan asked in a soft voice, as if any harsher would scare the pup.

“Darren!” The star suddenly said loudly, surprising Dan.  _ How did he even come up with that? _

“What?”

“Darren. It goes with your name, Daniel. Darren and Daniel,” The star explained as if that made so much sense.

“So do Derek, David, Dash, or Dumpster go, if you use that logic.” Dan didn’t know why but he smiled and shook his head at the star.

“Yeah well, I called him Darren after the girl who was calling to someone down on the street, and now he responds to the name. So it’s Darren,” The star explained with what Dan could only describe as a sheepish expression.

“Wow, thanks dude for stealing this important moment from me,” Dan said with a mocking sad face.

But the mockery was something beyond the star, as he stood up suddenly and crossed the distance between him and Dan, joining his hands in front of Dan and bowing his head down, “I’m sorry Daniel, for taking this away from you. I had no idea naming him would mean so much to you. I apologise for my actions and I hope whatever name you decide for him, he responds well to it.”

Dan’s mind wondered for a second if any stranger thing than this had ever happened in the whole of the universe.

“No no! I meant it as a joke. Sarcasm, you know?” Dan kept the pup down and started flailing his hands around to explain. “I was really not offended. It was a joke. A bad one I guess for someone who doesn’t understand the human world that well. I’m sorry for saying that to you! Darren is a good name. A perfectly lovely name in fact for this little guy. Please don’t be sorry. And please just call me Dan.”

The star cocked his head sideways again, looking at Dan with that confused expression.

“Humans are weird. Why do they say things they don’t mean?”

It took Dan a second to reply to the harsh truth spoken by the star, “Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe that’s why we’re given fleetingly small lives, so we don’t hurt people over centuries.”

Dan felt as if the air had suddenly got thick and heavy around him. He shook his head as if to diffuse it and offered the star a small smile. “What’s your name?” He didn’t want to just keep referring to him as  _ star _ . That was so boring and not personal.

“They call me Nor’uf-fin-ling-sua-gi. But someone on Earth named me Star HD768940. So you can call me whatever is more comfortable to you, I don’t mind.”

“Well, I can’t say either of those names that well. Can I call you a human name?” Dan asked him.

“I guess. What name do you have in mind?”

“Let me see. You look like a Joe.”

“You do realise that I don’t actually look like this, and this is just a form I made up on my way down here, taking something from the people I saw on my way.” The star said, sounding a bit offended in Dan’s opinion.

“Okay so I guess you don’t like Joe. How’s Barry? Or Ben? Or Tom.”

The star shook his head. Somehow the star felt like none of those human names suited him.

“How about Zayn? I hear that man is quite popular on Earth. Or Neil, isn’t he the guy who went to the moon?”

“No, you don’t suit that. Neil’s are supposed to be like really nerdy looking, glasses and all that. And no, not Zayn. He was popular, but like two years ago. Not now.”

Dan contemplated what this star-man really looked like. Radioactive eyes, pale skin, angled structures. He wanted to keep calling him star, because honestly that’s the only word that described him, but that’d be weird, especially if someone else heard him.

“How’s Phil? Short for Philip, like how mine’s Dan, short for Daniel. Or do you like Isaac or Jeff or-?

“Phil’s nice. It’s simple.” The star smiled as he said the name. It felt simple in his head but not too simple, like a Joe or Ben. “One of the very first human I granted wishes to, was a Philip.”

“Okay so we have a Darren and we have a Phil,” Dan said with a smile.  _ ‘One of the very first, how long ago was that? _ ’ Dan wondered but couldn’t bring himself to ask Phil that question.

“And we have a confused Daniel, who’s stalling his remaining two wishes. Am I right?” Phil asked.

Dan heaved a sigh and laid down on the bed, face first into the pillow, hoping to hide his reddening face from the star.

“Maybe…” He mumbled into the pillow.

But of course Phil heard him, having his star-hearing senses. “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, you know. It happens to most humans when we grant them wishes. They feel like they can have the whole world, and also not have it at the same time. Make the most of this opportunity or waste them unknowingly. It’s hard I imagine. So take your time. But not too much time. I like being up there, with my people. They are my family.”

Dan turned around and looked at the star who had drifted over to the window to watch the night-falling sky with a longing expression.

“I’m sorry to keep you here. You can go, you know. I’m happy with this little guy, right here,” Dan said, stroking the pup who had nuzzled into his side.

“I can’t. It’s my duty and I have to finish it.”

Dan wanted to apologise again, but it felt like no-use. So instead he got up and grabbed Phil’s hand.

“Do you want to see more of my world? It sucks mostly, but there are some beautiful things, some great movies and some delicious food to live for. And I’m sure Darren needs to go for a walk. What do you say?”

“That’s interesting. I never really explored the human world much beyond the walls of the people I’ve granted wishes to.”

“You’re a star, not anybody’s prisoner. Come on, let’s have some dirty, greasy, unhealthy pizza.”

“Doesn’t dirty mean bad? And isn’t unhealthy bad?”

“Oh Phil, you have so much to learn about the millennials. We’re weird.”

“Oh, that most humans are.” Phil concluded as Dan laughed.

He made Phil wear some of his shoes that fit him surprisingly well, believing that it was such a weird coincidence, only for Phil to tell him that he adjusted his feet to fit the shoe.

“So you mean to say, maybe Cinderella was not Cinderella and could’ve been a star who just adjusted her feet to fit the glass shoe, because since technically the prince didn’t remember her face, what an ass though, he could’ve married a star?” Dan asked, as he put on a coat and offered one to Phil as well, picking Darren up and wrapping him in a blanket, for lack of dog clothes and leash. He decided he’d buy some on their little walk.

Phil stood there confused, paused, with one hand in the coat’s sleeve and the other just hanging.

“Maybe. No one has ever asked me that. I thought Cinderella was just a made up story. But hmm she could be a star...or granted wishes by a star, it’d make sense, maybe.”

Dan felt a smile spreading across his face. Phil was just...so confused at the human world. It was endearing. He didn’t know what overcame him in that moment, but he chuckled and messed Phil’s hair up, realizing Phil had really soft hair, before letting go with a blush.

“Come on.” Dan said, and with sneaky glances around the house and silent footsteps, Dan went out of the house with his two secret companions.

First thing Dan did was to take them to a pet store about half an hour’s walk away from his uni building. He bought a leash, some food, a food bowl and some clothes and toys for Darren. On his way out Phil pointed to an unnecessary but extremely cute bowtie that Dan ended up buying, just because Phil got so excited by it. All of the stuff did blow a hole in Dan’s pocket, but it was worth it to see Darren all bundled up in cute warm clothes with a little bowtie around his neck. He finally let Darren down, now that he had a leash and took both dog and star to the nearest market.

Phil was so fascinated by the different food stalls he saw. They ended up going to six stalls. Dan couldn’t remember the last time he stuffed so much food into him, that too such an eclectic variety. They started with ice-cream. A place to end usually, rather than start, but Phil could not be convinced. He was so entranced by the ice-cream man churning the ice-cream and putting some freshly made and colourful scoops in little cones and serving them with a variety of  sprinkles and fruits and syrups. Dan ended up buying Phil a cookie crumble ice-cream with cherries, crunchy-nut cereal, blueberry syrup and sprinkles. Watching it killed Dan’s appetite and he ended up having a good-old vanilla, feeding bits of it to Darren, knowing a tiny bit wouldn’t do Darren any harm.

Phil then dragged him to popcorn guy. Phil made Dan buy him caramel mixed with cheese and salted because he wanted to try all the flavours. And after having popcorn Phil wondered why Dan wasn’t asking him for an unlimited supply of popcorn. “It’s the best food ever!” He said.

Dan found himself smiling a lot. Maybe it was at Phil’s childish curiosity or maybe it was at Phil in general, or maybe it was at how the day was turning out to be so good overall. He got a puppy, a day’s full worth of class notes and a companion to spend the evening with. It was a good day.

And still they weren’t done yet with the food. They next went on to have some spicy curry, which gave Phil severe hiccups that Dan didn’t even think were possible, because how can a star have hiccups, and it was a new experience for Phil too. He had never had hiccups before and he found the whole thing funny. He laughed after every hiccup and Dan found himself laughing too. Darren licked Phil’s cheek, hoping it’d soothe Phil down, because Phil’s hiccups always startled him.

The spicy curry warranted some sweet fresh fruit juice, after which they had fish and chips which Dan actually forced Phil to have, because it was a British classic and how could he not have them after coming all the way down from the sky to Earth and landing in Manchester.

They did end on pizza and Phil declared he could survive as a human if he got pizza and popcorn every day for the rest of his life.

Just as the night was closing in and the shops were shutting, Dan managed to request a nice clothing store-lady if they could quickly buy some stuff and as soon as she nodded yes, Phil left Dan’s side and picked up the most colourful clothes off the racks. Dan was grateful that this shop was one of the cheap ones. He picked up a bright purple gengar t-shirt, followed by a light blue with stars on it, a black t-shirt with bats  and a bright plain red t-shirt. He picked up the most hideous pair of pajamas in Dan’s opinion, but Phil was adamant the bright yellow emoji pajamas were cute! Dan surprised himself by picking a yellow coloured Jake hoodie for Phil, because he had looked at the hoodie and it screamed Phil after watching him pick up the most colourful clothing. He added two black jumpers into the mix as well because they had cute dinosaurs on them.

Dan didn’t know why he was spending so much on an alien that was bound to leave soon, but he liked doing it for Phil. There was something good about doing things for someone else, even if it was as simple as buying food and clothes.

When they reached back home, Xander caught him sneaking into his room with Phil and the dog with a bunch of bags. Xander only raised his eyebrow at him and smirked, going back to his room without a word. But the smirk made Dan’s heart race and face flush and he quickly closed the door behind them.

_ “How am I going to explain them Phil or even Darren? Soon Darren is going to grow old and start barking like mad and running amuck in this house. How will I convince them to let him stay with me? What do I even tell them about Phil? Why is he here? Why is he so pale? Why will he disappear once he grants me my remaining two wishes? Why is he always in my room till then? Why? Why? Why?” _

Dan wanted to pull his hair off, not having thought of the consequences of making the star stay for his selfish reasons.

“Hey, are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. And you’ve already seen me, so I don’t know how you can be scared of a ghost. But ghosts aren’t real, are they? At least my elders told me they’re not.” Phil said, placing his hand on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan wasn’t even aware that Phil knew about comforting human gestures, but it seemed like the star had picked up quickly on human behaviours after all the time he spent down here and up there studying humans. Dan smiled at him and he suddenly had an idea.

“Well I’m going to put the fear of ghosts in you. Our night plans are sorted.”

And even though  it was nearing midnight and it was probably a really bad idea, starting a horror movie, knowing he’d probably be more scared than Phil and he had classes to wake up to tomorrow, he started the movie on a whim, settling down on the bed, still in his jeans. And Phil settled down beside him. Too close. So close that Dan could smell the sickening mixture of sugar and spices of the day’s meals, and a very sweet musky scent that was all Phil’s. And even though Dan was usually uncomfortable with such close contact with other humans, he found himself not minding it all that much. He reasoned with himself that maybe because Phil was a star it didn’t matter.

And after a really long time, when his thoughts weren’t all too heavy with the why’s and the how’s and the when’s regarding Phil, and the movie had finally caught his attention, he petted Darren, who fell asleep between them and settled to not paying attention to the distance and instead to the exhaustion that was quickly catching up on him.

It had been many days since a good night, a happy night, where you fall asleep feeling like you’ve accomplished something and even though Dan didn’t think he had achieved much that day, he fell asleep soundly with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	4. Chapter 4

4

  
  


The next day Dan woke up to find the star and puppy curled into his side. Phil was somehow tucked under his chin and the pup cuddled up into his stomach. He still didn't understand how Phil- how stars worked.  _ Why did they even need to sleep? Did they get tired of shining all the time? Was putting up the human garb too exhausting ? When was Phil on Earth last? Which year was that? What kind of wishes do other people ask for? What's the funniest thing anybody has ever- _

And he stopped his thoughts in their track, knowing he could just as easily wake Phil up and ask him those questions himself. But something about the peace on his face, how you could see just the hint of a smile, made Dan never want to disturb something so beautiful and serene.

So he carefully extracted himself from his companions and got out of bed, flexing and craning and trying not to wake them up to the best of his ability. Yawning and stretching to his heart’s content after getting out of bed, he wandered down to the kitchen to get some food for Phil and himself. He looked through the cereal cupboard and weighed his options. Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut or Cinnamon Crunch. 

“Morning,” A voice said from behind Dan, making him jump and clutch his chest over his heart, mumbling the Lord’s name in vain.

“Jeez Xander! Don't give me a heart attack. At least not so early in the morning,” Dan said, shaking his head and blushing, remembering that Xander did catch him with Phil last night as he hurried him into his room, and really what it must've looked like to an outsider.

“Why? Gotta live for the booty you got last night?” Sander chuckled at his own joke.

“Xander!” Dan almost dropped the Honey Nut box he had finally decided on. “He's just a friend. He… He’s going through some stuff and needed a place, and well I offered.”

“Who's this friend that we've never heard of?”

“He's from...home.”

“Ahh I see. Is that what kids are calling it these days? Friend from home?” Xander asked, making air quotes and laughing.

“Who's friend from home? Dan's secret boyfriend from last night?” Willow asked, entering the kitchen and going straight up to kiss Xander on his lips, muttering a good morning with it.

“Xan told me about this dude. Who is he? Where's he from? When can we meet him? And there's a dog I hear?” Willow asked as she sat down on Xander’s lap.

Dan answered the questions in his head,  _ “He’s a star. He from up in the sky. Hmm I should ask him which constellation he is from. You’ll probably never meet him. And yeah there's a dog. He’s a good dog. He’s mine actually, because I asked for him, by pretending to be a literal dog which was embarrassing but hey it worked so whatever.” _ But all he actually said to her was, “He’s a friend from home. And like never, because there's nothing going on. There's a dog. He's a good one. And I'm leaving.” With that Dan took two bowls, two spoons, the chosen box of cereal and a bottle of milk to his room.

“Keep it quiet in there you two!” Willow shouted after Dan.

Dan, flustered, entered the room to find Darren awake and licking Phil's face, making Phil scrunch up into wrinkles and laugh while trying to hold the dog still.

“Looks like you're getting quite the lovely morning kisses,” Dan said, keeping the food and bowls on his bed.

“Pet animals are known to be affectionate towards their humans, especially in the mornings and when the humans come back from work. They think their owners might leave them, so it's like the best day when they see their humans. And I guess Darren’s taken a liking to me because I did spent more time with him than you since yesterday.”

Dan was not expecting a serious reply to that, but he should've known this about Phil by now. He's always a bunch of unexpectedness.

“That reminds me. I do have classes today as well. Will you be fine here by yourself? I'm sorry I didn't ask you yesterday before leaving you all alone. That was rude of me. You've come down for me and I kind of left you,” Dan said, not meeting Phil's eyes as he prepared both of their cereal bowls. He offered one to Phil who took it with a ‘thank you’. And again Dan was awed that Phil was so well versed in human courtesy.

“Are these classes necessary?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded, still not meeting Phil's eye. He got up and rummaged through yesterday's shopping bags to find the dog bowl and the dog treats he bought for Darren.

“Well then you have to go. But can I go outside of this room today? As nice as your room as, I'm used to more open spaces, to say it in the least exaggerated way,” Phil said.

Dan squirmed under Phil's unwavering gaze. He would have loved to, , but couldn’t give Phil what he wanted.

“What will other people who see you say?” Dan asked, thinking there would've definitely been a time Phil would've interacted with a person he wasn't granting wishes to, slowly nibbling on his cereal.

“They all say different things. Everybody has had a different reaction to me,” Phil said, looking a bit lost in thought.

“Okay, you can go out when everyone else in the flat has left. Take Darren for a walk to the garden if you want. But don't go farther than that. You could get lost.”

“After travelling light years in mere hours and landing at the right person’s house, I think I can manage seeing a bit of the city.”

Dan was taken aback. Of course Phil knew his way around. Phil was probably much smarter than him and didn't need a GPS to navigate everywhere.

“Uh sure I guess. Take care of Darren...and um yourself. Okay?” Dan said awkwardly, looking at his plain black socks.

Phil gave him one of his blinding smiles and Dan shielded his eyes, laughing. “You need to stop doing that.”

He showed Phil funny cat and dog videos on his phone, as they both had their breakfast slowly. And Dan's first class was already halfway over actually, but it was okay. He didn't want to rush this calm, happy morning. He took their empty dishes to the kitchen and quickly had a bath, dressing himself in the bathroom, before rushing back to his room and grabbing his bag. He didn’t leave without giving and receiving a million kisses to Darren and a bye to Phil, who was eyeing him and the pup with a smile of adoration and Dan felt himself blush as he waved him goodbye.

Dan sat through his classes with a smile and a kind of zest, that made him smile at random moments thinking about Darren. And yes, the smiles were only because he was thinking about Darren, not Phil, thank you very much. He took down his notes and sang a tune in his head, an old song he had listened to one summer when he was ten, dancing to it with his then best friend. It reminded him of the good times he had with his friend and some of the good times in school. He made a mental note to get back in touch with Bailey, his then best friend. 

Walking back after classes, Dan felt like something wasn’t right. His day had started off really good, he was happy, even most of his day went pretty nice. Despite missing his first class, he had managed to attend the rest of the day and pay attention at times and take down notes, but now a sudden heaviness enforced itself down his stomach. He knew he’s had such days before, where suddenly out of nowhere he would feel down. These are the kind of days where Dan just goes to sleep, hoping tomorrow he doesn’t feel like that and it’s going to get better. He couldn’t deal with it, he didn’t know how to. But he took a few deep breaths and looked at the wonderful scenery around him. He thought to himself that he had Darren for company, and maybe even Phil. And if Darren couldn’t make him feel better, then probably nothing could.

He came back home to find it mostly empty. He could hear faint music coming from Alexis’ room, knowing she was probably dancing. After staying with Alexis, Xander and Ben for nearly four months now, he knew Alexis danced nearly every day, Ben had a marijuana addiction problem and Xander had really loud sex with Willow. He thought that if asked on the spot about him, his friends would probably say that Dan’s the one who’s always holed up in his room, lost in his little world. But inside his head, it’s not a little world. It’s a big world, and he finds himself to be so tiny, so useless in this universe, like most of humanity is, but unlike him, most of the humanity doesn’t think such thoughts. They aren’t plagued with such existential crises. Even something simple as a project for a class can throw him into a void of- ‘What’s the point? I’m such a failure.’

And Dan knew this was anxiety and depression, but he didn’t want to deal with it, because he thought it was just a normal part of life, a stressful life of a law student.

He sighed and dropped his bag onto the chair, kicking his shoes off and fell face first into the bed.

He didn’t remember falling asleep. He only remembered feeling small and sad and alone, and suddenly he was being licked over the back of his ear by a wet tongue. He smiled when he realized that Darren was back. And so was Phil.

“Hello. We’re back,” Phil said, placing Dan’s bag on the floor and sitting on the chair, giving Dan a smile. Dan looked at him with sleepy eyes and thought that it wasn’t actually all that bright of a smile. He was just about to ask Phil about it, when he himself realized the room was a bit warm. Someone must’ve switched the heating on.

And there is a smile, it's small, but it's there as he sits up to play with Darren.

“Where did you two go?” Dan asked, not wanting to sound too eager, but too curious to control himself from asking the question.

“Oh we just went for a long, long walk. You were right though, I did manage to get lost. It’s difficult to navigate when you’re on land, you can’t see everything. But we saw some ducks and a little kid shared some bread with us to feed the ducks. Darren chased some pigeons and some cats. It was Darren who brought me back actually. He knows his roads.” 

So Phil had fun, Dan concluded. And that for some reason soured his mood even more. Like isn’t Phil down on earth for him? Isn’t he supposed to make Dan happy? And not go off frolicking by himself in this new world?

“Seems like you had a good day,” Dan said with a small smile and a curt nod. He got up and searched through the shopping bags from yesterday to feed Darren some treats. Darren immediately wagged his tail and jumped excitedly to catch the treats Dan held for him at a height.

But Dan’s smile never reached his eyes. His dimples didn’t pop out and Phil noticed this. He wondered if he could ask Dan personal questions, but refrained, remembering his lessons as a kid. They always taught the little stars not to get too attached to the human world or its people, as neither their world nor their people last too long.

“By the way, I saved you a slice of pizza,” Phil said, producing a rather squished triangular box from the inside of his coat.

“How did you buy this? Where’d you get the money from?” Dan knew for a fact he had not given Phil any money before leaving.

“I didn’t buy it. Your roommate bought it for me. He worked at the place and I was staring at the different pizzas through the window and thinking- ‘Wow! Pizzas haven’t changed much since I was last here.’ And then he invited me in and offered me two slices. It’s pretty good.”

Dan paled. Phil had met Xander. Of all the people in the world.  _ Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! _

“What did you guys talk about?”

“He asked me if Darren was my dog and I said technically it’s yours. He asked where I was from and I said somewhere far off. He asked me what I studied and I said humans. And then he said, ‘No wonder you’re friends with Dan and you seem lost. Hey, if you’re a friend of Dan, you’re my friend too. You can have some free pizza on me!’ And that’s how I got the pizza. I kept one slice for you, though Darren did put up a fight for it,” Phil said, smiling at Darren.

Dan knew that Phil was telling the truth. He knew that Phil probably couldn’t even lie. And that was probably all that happened between him and Xander, but he couldn’t help feeling unsettled, like now someone knew his secret, his terrible secret, even though nobody knew it and the secret wasn’t even terrible, just slightly unbelievable.

Dan shook his head when Phil waved the smashed pizza in front of him again and continued to avoid Phil, which turned out to be rather impossible considering they were in the same room. But he was annoyed that here Phil was, a star, a literal god-like being, a very powerful creature, able to grant wishes to Earthlings, smiling and happy at feeding ducks and getting free pizzas, looking like he was having the best day, while Dan himself continued to feel shit on the inside.

“I’m going to call it a night. Again,” Dan said, as he finished feeding Darren the tiny packet of dog treats.

He knew he was being silly, being angry at Phil for no reason. Well there was the reason that he was happier than him after being on Earth for two fucking days! Despite the fact that he was on Earth to make Dan happy and not himself, and poor Phil probably didn’t even know why he was being to rude and moody, but he didn’t care. It was his down day and he always told himself, it’s okay to feel shit and ignore the world and sleep on such days.

And so he slept, never realizing that Phil never entered the bed beside him the whole night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	5. Chapter 5

5

 

Dan woke up at 4 am, feeling incredibly groggy but unable to sleep anymore because of the nap he had had earlier,to find his bed empty. For a second he didn’t think much of it. But then his knee bumped into something soft that gave out a little whine, waking Dan up further with a jolt. There was supposed to be a humanoid star in his bed, and he wasn’t there. That caused Dan to panic.

He quickly put on some slippers and looked through the house. Phil wasn’t in the bathroom, the kitchen, or the lounge. Dan didn’t have the courage to knock on his roommates’ doors and ask if he’d been there. He instead decided to wake Darren up. He thought that maybe the pup could help looking for Phil. He knew his sense of smell wasn’t as strong as that of a grown dog would be, but it could be at least something. He felt cruel, looking at the peacefully sleeping dog and shaking it into wakefulness, but this was urgent.

“Hey Darren, can you look for Phil? That guy you seem to like more than me. Yeah? Can you do that? Look, he was wearing this shirt the other day. Can you smell it? Can you find him?” Dan pestered the little pup. At first Darren seemed to ignore him, in favour of licking Dan’s fingers, but then he licked the shirt Dan waved in his face and got up. He barked his tiny bark and jumped out of bed, nuzzling his head at the bedroom door.

Dan was surprised but got up and followed Darren. He guessed this was probably Phil’s magic. Surely no pup this small could hunt for their owners.  _ This pup’s advanced, because star magic _ , Dan concluded. But he didn’t question much and followed Darren out of the room and out of their flat. The dog led him to the staircase of the building, jumping at every step as he struggled to climb up the stairs. So Dan picked him and climbed up the stairs of his building.

_ “Had Phil gone up to the terrace?” _ Dan wondered after he and Darren had walked two floors up, continuing climbing more.  _ “He could’ve taken the lift. This is tiring. Has he gone up... to leave? Is he tired of waiting around for me and decided to leave me? Because that’s fair. I’m obnoxious and I don’t deserve him, a star that can grant me any wish I want. I don’t deserve Darren either. I’m not worth all this. He literally fell from the sky for me and this is how I treated him. Phil should’ve left the very moment he met me, seeing I was so sceptic of him. I think he finally saw how I’m not worth his time. He-” _ Dan stopped mid-track, huffing and puffing when he reached the terrace door, finding it open. Five floors and a lot of anxiety later, he found a familiar figure sitting on the terrace floor, looking up to the sky, through the door, facing away from him.

Dan was scared to approach Phil.  He didn’t know how was he going to apologise to him.

“Hello Dan,” Phil said, not even turning back. He had somehow realised Dan was behind him.

Darren left his arms and ran to Phil. Dan followed behind, with slow, unsure steps.

“Hey,” Dan said, not knowing where to start.

“Hey,” Phil said back.

“What’re you doing up here?” Dan asked, sitting on the floor beside Phil, staring at the vast sky that Phil seemed to be admiring.

“Just looking at some of my friends and family, talking to them.”

“You can talk to them?” Dan wasn’t sure if he heard Phil right.

Phil nodded. “We can share memories. I was showing them how Earth is now. How things have changed. One of my friends is preparing to come down. He is going to visit a child in Mexico. And one of my teachers is also coming down to visit another kid, in Tokyo. We stars love kids. If I may say, we are a bit partial to them. We usually listen to their prayers and come down for them more easily than for adults.”

Dan smiled at that, a question popping up in his head. “You told me that you were told by one of your teachers to come down for me. How does that work? Who chooses who gets to go down? How do stars get assigned to humans?”

Phil diverted his attention from the stars and looked at Dan. “We don’t know really how it works either. It’s said every human has some stardust in them, and it’s probably from us. So whichever star feels a tug to Earth when their human makes a wish feels compelled to come down here. I heard your prayer Dan, and I told my teachers and they found you out, where you lived, what you looked like and they shared those memories with me. I just followed that and came down here.”

Dan felt something churn in his stomach. He and Phil...had a connection? That seemed absurd. Because if Phil implied was correct, then he was made of the same stardust as Phil. Someone who had magical powers. And he didn’t have any. No, he was a sad human. He didn’t think he could be made up of same things as Phil. Phil was...so much more than him.

“How is it like up there. Do you miss them?” Dan asked, changing the subject.

Phil nodded, looking back at the sky.

“From down here all the stars look so close. But up there, we are so far apart. We don’t know many stars, other than those very close to us. Sometimes it gets bad up there, when a new star is formed and there is no elder around them. They can not achieve their full size and might be destroyed by black holes and other brighter, younger stars who’d accidentally run into them. Or collide with a planet or other cosmic entities, eating them up before they are ready, not giving chance for a life to be formed there.”

“You mean to say there are other life forms out in the universe?”

“Yes. Did you think you were alone?”

“No. I suspected other life forms to exist somewhere. But it’s one thing to think so about planets you can’t even see and another to be told by a cosmic being that they really do exist.”

“Yes they do. And they aren’t much different though. Some need more water, some need a different kind of air composition. Some have different bodies. Some have different types of blood. It’s fascinating, really. But I haven’t seen other planets. I’m closest to Earth, so this is where I come to. This is probably where all my stardust has landed and bonded me to different humans and animals alike over the years.”

“How often have you been to Earth Phil? When was the last time you were here?”

Phil contemplated his question, before asking, “Can I show you instead? It’s harder to explain for us in words. We prefer memories.”

Phil extended his hand, and Dan backed away a little. “Will this hurt?” He asked, a part of him knowing Phil could probably never hurt him, but scared of his magic.

Phil shook his head, so Dan sighed and nodded. Phil turned to him and he put both his hands around Dan’s one hand. Phil felt warm and Dan just realized, Phil was shining more than usual.  _ He must be really missing being a star _ .

Suddenly a burst of vivid images shot up in Dan’s brain, as if they were his memories, recent and real.

Dan saw a child, a little boy, not looking any more than six years old, dressed in a torn white shirt, that had browned with dust, and white pants that had also been soiled. The clothes were too big for the boy. He saw the boy sitting in the corner of a stable, surrounded by horses. The boy was cleaning a little horse, probably a foal Dan thought, with a wet cloth.

Dan looked at the scene around, There were horses tied to the trees by their legs. The stable seemed to be built around the trees. There wasn’t much stable, when Dan really took it in. There were a bunch of horses tethered to trees, a lot of hay and wood, a few wooden buckets that held water, a lot of horse dung and the little boy. Dan assumed he was way into the past.

He saw the little boy giving out a scream, when a naked man landed in front of him. The naked man looked different from Phil, but Dan had a feeling it was Phil. The horses neighed and jumped slightly, some trying to run when the entity landed out of nowhere on Earth. The naked human appeared to be startled by them too. This naked human had brown hair and tanned skin, much like the child’s. His eyes were brown too, like the child’s. He had softer features, more chub on his cheeks and limbs and a good round belly. He also had a moustache, a bit lighter colour than his hair. Dan thought it was probably the most familiar and least intimidating form Phil could take for the child.

The boy said something in a language Dan couldn’t understand. The naked man said something back, in the same language. They spoke back and forth for a while, the boy’s expression going from startled and distrust to happy. His eyes actually widened when the star snapped his fingers and a torn white shirt and pant, dirty, much like the little boy’s appeared on the naked man. Dan was surprised it only took about a few minutes to make the little boy hug the star in delight. He barely reached the star’s hips. Dan could make out the boy say Philip in a different accent in between all of their conversation, making it almost sound like Flip-e.  _ Was this boy the reason Phil accepted the name Philip? _

The little boy immediately got a gold coin out of his pocket and showed it to the star, keeping it on the floor, then outstretching his hands and flailing them, as if to say to make more of it. It took the star a few moments before he smiled and nodded, crushing a bit of the little black pendant around his neck, blowing the black stardust in the boy's face. It took a second, and then there was a pile of gold coins in front of the boy. The boy's eyes widened and he hugged the star again.

He tried to stuff the gold coins in his pocket, but he couldn't fit them all in. He looked at the star and tried to act out a bag, putting all the coins in it and carrying it. The star smiled, crushing the black pendant further. He produced a bag out of thin air and helped the boy put the coins in it.

The boy then sat down thinking, going back to cleaning his foal absentmindedly, while the star looked around. He tried to reach out to the horses, but they neighed at his unfamiliar touch, before ignoring him in favour of their food or sleep. After a few moments the boy suddenly jumped up and pulled the star’s hand, he touched his fingers to his stomach and then his mouth and then pointed out to a little house made of grass and wood a few feet away from the stable.

It took a few seconds for the star to understand, but once he did, he crushed the remains piece of his black pendant, producing a bowl of soup and a brown kind of lump on a plate that Dan guess was bread for the boy. The star sat and conversed with the kid as the kid had food hungrily. Once the plate was finished, it automatically refilled with fruits this time. Some grapes and bananas.

The boy finished the fruits as well and it started to refill again with some milk and the boy shook his head. The star told him something and the boy tapped the bowl and plate twice, seeing the food disappear. He looked surprised and happy at the same time. He tapped it thrice and the milk reappeared. He tapped it twice and it disappeared.

They talked for a few more minutes before the star got up and ruffled the little boy's hair. He took the shovel kept in the corner of the stable and helped him bury the bag of gold, the bowl and plate. He then hugged the boy and snapped his fingers again. His form started disintegrating slowly, into a shiny, powdery from, made of all different colours. All of him, became beautiful coloured stardust, flying upwards, into the sky.

Suddenly Dan's mind went blank, and Phil's hands came off his.

“He was my first human ever. Little boy only had little wishes. Food, so his family never went the nights empty stomach, and money so his family would never have to beg their landlords again. And a bag to keep all of that money.” Phil said with a fond smile.

Dan felt proud of Phil for some reason. Phil was kind. He guessed that probably all stars were, but something about how nice Phil was to the kid warmed Dan's heart.

“Do you want to see more?” Phil asked, offering his hands.

Dan nodded. And again, as soon as Phil held his hands, Dan’s brain was flooded with memories that weren't his, but seemed so much like his own.

Dan saw Phil with a princess in a castle and helped her run away with the help of armour, a horse and some gold. He saw Phil appear to a young child, dying of plague, easing his pain. And then to another lady, easing her through childbirth and then her death. They didn't have to say much or even mime much, but Phil somehow understood their needs. He always changed his form to what would seem comfortable to the humans he appeared to. To the lady dying of childbirth, he appeared as a middle aged lady, telling her it'd be fine. He took their pain away without them having said a word. He just knew what had to be done. He appeared to a soldier in war, helping the man and his troop get back home, producing a boat, hiding him when the enemies were on their tails and healing their wounds. He then appeared to an old Englishman, whose wishes seemed funny and heart touching at the same time. He did attempt to shoot Phil at first with his gun that went into Phil's shoulder, but didn't seem to do a thing to him. It passed right through him, making a hole that filled up on its own. The man rubbed his eyes and finally sat down, deciding to hear Phil out. A lot of questions later, the old man seemed to believe him. He asked for a dog much like Dan had, albeit miming the dog in a more dignified manner than him, but also pretending to be old with a stick and coughing, and bending. It took Phil a few moments but Phil was able to grant him an old dog, a big dalmatian that didn't look like he had too many days left, one eye clawed out, walking with a limp. The old man then seemed to ask for more alcohol and money for his kids. He smiled and thanked Phil, shaking his hand goodbye and lying on his chair, smoking his pipe, watching some television, stroking the dog as Phil disappeared.

They sat in silence once Phil's memories stopped playing in his head. It was all a lot to take in at once. Dan had a lump in his throat. He realized that Phil was more than just a star, he was a blessing to all those people. He could ease people's pain and get them home safely. He could give them food and shelter and enough to live happily. He could give a dying man some company, hope to a princess.

And here he was stalling Phil, keeping him away from his friends, wallowing in self-misery, crying his life was bad, when there were people having it so much worse than him.

“I'm sorry. I'm keeping you here. I don't-” Dan had to hold back a sob, take a moment before he could speak again, “You should go. There are other people who need you. I don't really- I'm just...being stupid.”

“You’re not stupid Dan. I have observed you. And if you’re made of the same stardust as me, then you’re calling me stupid as well. Do you think I’m stupid, Dan?”

Dan was always taken aback by Phil’s replies.

“No! Of course not! You’re Phil, a star. You’re this magical being, you’re a saviour, a helper and I’m...I’m a nobody. I wish I could just get over this, whatever this is, the way that I feel, so I could be normal, happy. And I will, someday. Or at least I hope I will. I don’t need things like those people. Those people needed you. So many people need you. I don’t- I don’t deserve you.”

“Daniel James Howell. You’re made of the same stardust as me. You and me are the same. This universe works in mysterious way, but if you think I’m important, and you’re made of the same thing as me, then you’re just as important. The universe can’t be wrong. It never is.”

“You have a lot of faith in the universe,” Dan said, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t even bother to wipe them away, because for the first time somebody had told him he was important.

“It has never failed me so far. Everything happens for a reason,” Phil smiled and hugged Dan suddenly, knocking Dan down, making Dan squeal in surprise and a bit from the pain of his head banging into the floor. “Sorry, but I know hugs are great for people when they’re crying.”

“Ow! Yeah but not so hard Phil, that you knock me down,” Dan said in pain, but a smile played on his lips and he soon found himself chuckling and shaking his head at Phil, all whilst still crying.

Phil pouted, and it was then Dan noticed, how close they were. How so up and close Phil’s skin shimmered of all the colours he could name and not name. How black his hair was, just the same as the colour of the stone around his neck, like nothing could be darker than that black. And Dan’s heart beat wildly. Phil was close enough that Dan would barely have to move his hand  to feel Phil’s hair underneath his fingers. So close, he could stroke Phil’s shaped cheekbones and touch his soft pink lips and-

Dan stopped himself at that thought. He was treading close to a thought that was even beyond unacceptable.  _ I can’t- I can’t think of him like that. I can’t do that. _

He gulped and let out a shaky breath, before opening his mouth, “Uhh, we should go and get some sleep. It’s still pretty late.”

Phil smiled and kissed Dan’s forehead, softly and quickly, it barely lasted a second, and before Dan could even comprehend, Phil was off him and offering him a hand. He stared at Phil’s hand for a long moment, his fingers itching to touch where Phil’s lips had just been. But he controlled himself and took Phil’s hand, letting him hoist him up. For the thin, lanky guy Phil looked like, he made hoisting Dan up look like it was no effort at all.  _ Probably wasn’t. Stupid Phil and his stupid star magic and his stupid manners and his stupid need for being so good and having faith in this stupid universe. _ Suddenly everything about Phil seemed stupid to Dan, or rather he wanted to think everything about him was stupid, because the alternative thoughts that were clearly dancing at the edge of his conscience, waiting to fully burst in and occupy his mind, much like his heart, were dangerous.

He let go off Phil’s hand as quick as he could, even though some part of him wanted to keep holding on. He picked Darren up to have something to occupy his hands and mind with. He tried to only think of Darren-  _ When should I take Darren to the vet? And when should I tell my roommates and landlord that Darren is dog and is here to stay? And why the fuck did Phil kiss my forehead! Does he even know the meaning of forehead kisses? _ Dan stopped himself again.  _ No don’t think those things. Of course he doesn't know. He’s a star! You’re thinking wrong things Dan! _

As they quietly made their way back into the house and back to his room, Phil promptly laid down on the bed on his stomach, occupying most of it. Darren wiggled out of his arms to go jump onto Phil’s back. Dan smiled as Phil laughed and the little animal played gleefully. A selfish part of him wished that he could see this scene everyday.

But he realized he was using Phil as a substitute in a place that Phil could never fulfill.

_ Just my luck. I had to go ahead and make things weird between me and the first person who ever showed so much kindness to me, who told me I was important to this world like him. Great! Just great! _

In the little space left for him, Dan slotted himself in and Darren then jumped on his stomach and Phil rolled onto his back, giving Dan some more space and they stayed up for another few hours, making Darren jump between the two of them, encouraging him to jump as far as he could, trying to teach him simple commands like sit and lie down and roll. They went to sleep only after the early morning sun rays had pierced through the blinds. Seeing the sun when he should have already slept made Dan realise that he was holding on to something, something he couldn’t keep to himself forever, no matter how hard he tried to prolong these good moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	6. Chapter 6

6

 

When Dan woke up again at half past noon, it was to Darren nibbling his ear off. He groaned, feeling tired already.  _ Well there goes my sleep cycle for a toss. _ He turned around to blame Phil for it, but Phil was still fast asleep, if the little snores were anything to go by. Dan found himself smiling and shaking his head. He couldn’t blame Phil for anything. Phil, for now, was the only good thing in his life, aside from Darren of course.

He got out of bed, thanking gods he wasn’t sure he believed in, for it being the weekend. But that meant he had to go to work in the evening, working the rush hour at the coffee shop. He picked Darren up and put him on the floor, giving him some food in his bowl and petting his forehead, which Darren happily ignored in favour of his food. He must’ve been so hungry. “Sorry little guy. I’ll try to be better for you,” he said to Darren, before stretching out and yawning.

He was feeling surprisingly happy this morning, or technically this afternoon. Despite the little bit of grogginess because of sleeping at ungodly hours, he found himself humming songs and carrying out his morning tasks. He brushed and went to the kitchen, deciding to quickly make Phil and himself lunch, as it was too late for a breakfast. His roommate Alexis was already there, rummaging through the fridge.

“Hey,” Dan greeted her happily, going back to his humming and grabbing a pot to boil the pasta in.

“Hi.” Alexis looked at him with her single eyebrow raised. “Strange to see you humming and happily cooking. What’s going on? There is a guy, I hear?”

“Do you all gossip about me when I’m not here?” Dan asked, feeling a blush creeping up his cheeks.

“Come on Dan. You haven’t given us anything to talk about in the past whole sem, and now there’s a guy, there’s a dog-”

“A pup,” Dan corrected. Darren was so tiny.

“A pup! What next? Is he moving in with you properly?” Alexis sounded like she was joking, or so Dan hoped.

“Okay, stop. He’s a friend from back home. Nothing much. He needed a few days to stay and I have enough place in my room.”

“And apparently in your bed as well. You know if someone wants to stay over with me for some time, I’ve always given them the couch in the lounge. It’s pretty comfy.”

“It’s...it’s rude to make him sleep on the couch. And I’m too tall for the couch, you know that. We make do... there’s nothing there...nothing. Okay?”

“If you say so…” Alexis chuckled and ruffled Dan’s hair, before taking crisps from the cupboard that Dan was sure belonged to Ben and not Alexis, and walking back to her room with them and the bottle of hummus.

Dan heaved a sigh as she left and continued stirring the pasta.  _ They’re all beginning to question me. How will I explain? I have to let Phil go. He can’t stay here forever. But he’s so nice and he’s like...like my first proper friend. How am I so selfish? There Phil is saving lives, helping people, and here I am, absolutely useless. But what do I even ask of him? It’s not like I have needs like those people. Can I ask him to graduate me out of this hellhole already and get me a job? Argh, I can’t even imagine myself being a lawyer and standing in front of a jury and fighting a case without breaking down. I wish Phil would just leave already and- _

Dan’s thought process was broken by a cough from behind him, making him jump and drop the wooden spoon on his foot. Thankfully it was sock clad and he didn’t burn himself. He looked up to see Phil, changed into a plain black t-shirt that Dan was sure belonged to him and the pair of bright yellow emoji pyjamas that Dan absolutely hated. He hated the way his heart beated a little fast, thinking about how good Phil looked in black, in his clothes.

“Sorry!” Phil said, picking up the wooden spoon and giving it back to Dan.

“Thank you,” Dan replied, trying to keep his voice even despite his racing pulse and his racing thoughts about Phil that were making him go weak in the knees.

“Can I help?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head and smiled. He just had to boil the pasta and add some readymade sauce into it. It’s wasn’t rocket science or anything. And yet his mind took him back to the first time he ever made pasta, making him cringe.

“Mate! I see you’re cooking. Hey Phil. I’m starving. Can I have some as well? Oh wait it’s pasta...your pasta. You know what? I’m fine actually. I’m not hungry,” Xander said entering the kitchen. Dan mentally face-palmed himself for choosing the worst time to enter the kitchen on a weekend.

“But you just said you were starving?” Phil asked, cocking his head to the side and looking at Xander. Dan realized Phil always cocked his head to the side whenever he was confused by humans, and Dan found it so cute.  _ Wait it’s not cute. It’s uhh...it’s stupid. Yeah it’s stupid. _

“Oh, I’m assuming you don’t know how Dan made pasta for the first time, do you? He’s not telling you the good stories. Wait, let me just grab something and I’ll tell you all the gossip,” Xander said, rummaging through his kitchen cupboard and deciding on crisps and cookies.

“Xander, Phil has more important things to do, right Phil?” Dan said scowling at Xander, narrowing his eyes.

“I do?” Phil asked, cocking his head once again and looking at Dan. And Dan was torn between going,  _ ‘aww this idiot is so cute’ and ‘can you please not?!’ _

Xander snorted. “Dan, mate, your friend here is precious, come on,” Xander said, indicating Phil to follow him to the lounge.

Dan was scared. _What are they going to talk about? What if he comes to know who Phil really is? Will he think Phil is insane? Will he think I’m insane? Oh god! Why did I let him drag Phil? What will Phil think of me if Xander tells him about all my fails?_ _I’ve already been such a loser in front of him, how low will I go? Fuck you Xander! And fuck you Phil! I’m going to the Himalaya with Darren and meditating. This shit is too much!_

Dan heaved a sigh when the pasta was finally al dente. He quickly strained it and put it in a bowl, mixing some of the pasta sauce into it and grating some parmesan on top. He served it on two plates, carrying two forks for them, before he fast-walked into the lounge.

“-yeah so he literally burned the pasta in the first week, scared a Chinese dude off-”

“I did not scare him off okay? He...left for his own reasons and we should respect that,” Dan said interrupting Xander. He handed Phil one of the plates and fork, sitting down beside Phil.

“Sure, sure. Did he tell you about the time he sprayed deodorant into his eyeball? Or the time we found him in a cafe an hour later, from an audition he decided to go to himself but ended up running out of, because of nerves?”

“That’s enough Xan. We actually had plans to see cat videos with lunch. So shoo,” Dan said, trying his hardest to shut Xander up and make him go away.

“Aww you two love birds watching cat videos and eating lunch together! Fine fine, I’m going. Me and Willow will be going for a movie this evening, whilst Dan goes to work, so you’re welcome to join us Phil,” Xander offered as he was getting up, knowing this was his cue to leave the two alone.

Phil looked at Dan and Dan quickly shook his head. “No! I mean, no. Phil and I have plans for tonight,” Dan blurted out the first thing that came to his head.

“Plans?” Xander raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah. Uhh nothing great. Just showing Phil around Manchester.” Dan had no such plans. But he also wanted to spend time with Phil. So maybe it wasn’t entirely a lie. _ Maybe I can take him around before work and let him sit in the coffee shop, or sit in the back whilst I work and leave him with some movie to watch? _

Xander looked at Phil who gave a confused look to Dan, but nodded while looking back at him. Xander smiled at them, getting up and leaving. “Alright then, see you lovebirds around. Bye.”

“Goodbye!” Phil said enthusiastically as Xander left, making Xander turn around and shake his head at the two of them.

Dan elbowed Phil to shut up, but Phil just yelped in pain, clutching the side of his chest, looking at Dan with wide eyes.

“Just eat your food. Oh god!” Dan exclaimed.

“What’s wrong? Why do you look unhappy?” Phil asked, eating his food as instructed.

“I’m not unhappy. I’m just…”

“Just what?” Phil pushed when Dan left the answer hanging in the air.

“I don’t...I don’t want you to know embarrassing things about me. I don’t want you to be better friends with Xander than me and then me having to explain why you left. I don’t know what I want! And it’s all too much!” Dan’s speech was intense but he whispered the words to Phil, knowing Phil would hear him clear, because of his star-hearing.

Phil sighed. He decided Dan was his most difficult human till date. And he already found humans very confusing, but Dan, he swore, was just a different kind of difficult. He knew Dan was sweet and a nice person. He wouldn’t have heard him if his heart was not pure, but Dan also had a lot of difficulty in really expressing his desires. And that was the problem. Phil was not old enough yet to grant him verbal wishes. They’d just have to make more effort to understand each other so that he could grant Dan his remaining two wishes.

“Once I disappear, no one else except you will be able to remember me. We fall for certain people and only they can remember us, others that we interact with will forget about us completely,” Phil explained. He knew at least how to answer one of Dan’s question.

“Great! So then I’ll be moping alone again and nobody would know why. Again. Just great! Why did you even come Phil, if you had to go? Why did you have to be so nice and show me kindness if you had to leave me? Why can’t you just be some ugly asshole?” This time Dan said it a bit more louder. He kept his plate on the table and ran to his room.

_ Oh God! Oh fucking God! I fucking fucked up! I wasn’t supposed to tell him all of that! I was supposed to be nice to him and think about my other two wishes and ask for them and let him go. But I...I went ahead and I screwed it up. I’m sure now Phil wants to leave me even without granting me the other two wishes. I’m such a terrible person. So ungrateful. He should leave me. _

Dan paced around the room, thinking unpleasant thoughts, when he heard a knock on the door, before it opened slightly, to a Phil head peering in through the gap.

“Hey, I’m sorry if I said something wrong out there. That I wasn’t supposed to. I swear I didn’t tell Xander to tell me any of the embarrassing stories. He just launched into them himself. And for the record I don’t think they were that embarrassing. I once accidently landed on some animal’s poo. So, that was embarrassing.” Phil hoped it was embarrassing. Because he really didn’t understand the human emotions too well. But he wanted to share something with Dan about himself that’d make him look vulnerable, because he understood Dan was feeling vulnerable at the moment.

Dan’s heart thudded at Phil peering in like that through the door and saying something so cute and innocent. His shoulders slouched and a few tears escaped his eyes. He tried to control the sob that was forming in his throat, so he instead smiled at Phil and opened the door further, pulling Phil into a hug, a tight hug, mushing his head into Phil’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! You’re so nice. I-” The sob eventually broke out and Dan hiccuped through his words. “I’ll try to be a better person for you Phil. You’re good and you don’t deserve to have come down here for someone like me. I’ll try to be better for you.” He couldn’t bring himself to care he was smearing some snot on his own t-shirt that Phil was wearing.

“You're nice Dan. I know that. You just don't know what you want. You're like one of our new born stars. They're so confused at first and don't know how things work, they bump into things and they get hurt. You just need a little help, is all. You're good and you should never forget that. Okay?” Phil said stroking Dan's back, but in a weird manner, not softly, going up and down, but with his hands stiff, firmly going down then back up, going down mechanically.

Dan chuckled at the gesture despite his tears. He found Phil trying to do human things very adorable, confused but mixed with utter genuineness.

“Well I still do stumble a lot and bump into things,” Dan said, loosening his grip on Phil and looking down at the floor, unable to meet Phil's eyes. He wondered if he'd crossed a line here, being all touchy and feely.

Phil smiled. “Have your lunch? And show me those cat videos you were talking about. And take me around Manchester?”

Dan looked Phil in the eye and saw how genuine Phil was and he knew there was no part of his heart that could stop itself from falling for Phil. He nodded and they went back to the lounge, which was thankfully still empty. Dan played some cat videos on his phone whilst they finished their lunch. Phil squealed at the tiny kittens and smiled all the way through watching cats doing cat things. And Dan found himself watching Phil more than the videos.

At one point Dan noticed Phil pushing the parmesan aside and just having the pasta.

“You don't want the cheese?” Dan asked.

“Umm, no, it kind of tastes weird?”

“But you had it in pizza the other day!”

“Yes but that tasted different.”

“Lies!” Dan said with a smile, shaking his head.

“I swear I'm not lying. Right now just the cheese in my mouth feels like sand mixed with butter, if that makes sense? I've had sand a few times, falling can be pretty tough sometimes.”

“Oh Phil,” And before Dan could think more about what he felt like doing, he did it. He kissed Phil's cheek swiftly before cleaning the area with his thumb, not wanting greasy pasta lips on his cheeks.

Phil continued eating, without giving a reaction, but Dan swore he saw a blush colour up Phil's cheek. And that was enough for him. They sat back and watched some more videos of other baby animals. Phil found sneezing panda the cutest. About an hour later they finally decided to stop when Dan’s phone beeped its low battery notification. Dan did decide to take Phil out and to his work. So he sent Phil for a shower, giving him one of his own t-shirts again to wear, because he really liked the fact that Phil was dressed in his clothes. He went through his class notes to pass his time, deciding the order they needed to be finished in. He was surprised at himself for doing something so unusually organised about his studies, but he felt a bit on an upper, happier side today, and it made him want to do things, achieve something.

When Phil came back, dressed in black jeans and his t-shirt that had cats all over it. Dan thought it was appropriate after Phil squealing over all those cats, but also Phil seemed too translucent to pass for human. He offered Phil one of his Gryffindor jumper on top. Because it was too cold, even if Phil could bear it, he had to wear it to avoid raising eyes on the road. Dan told Phil to knock himself out with whatever he wanted to watch on the knock off iPad he had, while he took Darren and himself for a bath.

Darren ended up howling in his little voice at the water, trying to run away, jump and ended up making Dan completely wet, whilst still in his clothes. He sighed when he deemed Darren clean enough and dropped him back in a towel, handing him to Phil.

“Aww, did you not enjoy your bath? Did Dan not give you any toys? It's okay. We'll find a way to escape bath time, the next time Dan tries to catch you!” Phil cooed at Darren.

“Don't spoil my baby. He was smelling! Don't give me those puppy eyes, Darren. We will meet again in the bathtub,” Dan said, narrowing his eyes at Darren, but not meaning one bit of anger. Instead he felt his heart swell at seeing Phil interact like that with Darren. He didn't even know Phil could coo and baby talk to animals. Maybe the animal videos brought out a different side of him. He left them to go have a quick shower.

Once dressed, Dan got the last of his savings of this month to spend it on Phil. He had already spent a considerable amount on someone very temporary in his life, but he didn’t mind. He could do with ready-to-eat ramen for the next few days and free coffees from his coffee shop. He put Darren on a leash and they left the house, walking to the nearest bus stop.

“Phil you might have a great view of Earth and everything, but i’m taking you to one of the places where you can get a great view of this city like normal humans do,” He told Phil excitedly, having decided to take him to the Manchester Eye.

“Normal humans? Are there abnormal humans?”

“Uhh, good question? Maybe you know? Some kind of weird superpower X-men shit must exist. Or you guys could’ve given powers to someone to fly. Who knows?” Dan whispered the last part, looking around the bus.

“We can’t grant flying powers. Your anatomy doesn’t allow that. You humans are too huge!” Dan had to hold back the laughter that was coming with all of Phil’s unintended double entendres. But he couldn’t control and ended up laughing out loudly, not caring who heard him. He had missed this, having someone to laugh with.

Phil gave him his cute confused look and Dan could only say, “Oh Phil…”

“What’s X-men?” He asked.

“I’ve to teach you so much about human life. You’re missing out on a lot up there, you know? Like good movies, good food, sleep, pups,” Dan said looking at Darren in his arms.  _ And sex _ , he added the last part in his mind.  _ Do stars even have sex. How are star babies made? _

“Well being a human does have it’s perks, but…”

“But?” Dan prodded.

“You can’t fly. You can get hurt. You need food for survival, and oxygen. You have terribly tiny lives.”

“Well now you’re just blaming this creation of the universe. And I thought you trusted the universe. You trusted all it did. So we can’t be a mistake,” Dan reminded him of his own words.

“No, not a mistake...just not the best creation of the universe,” Phil said with his bright smile.

“Haww rude!” Dan said, but laughed at his joke.

They reached the Manchester Eye, and Dan paid for their tickets. After ten minutes in the line it was their turn to get in. Dan handed Darren to one of the staff there, who cried and whined as he was handed over to a stranger. “We’ll be back for you soon, baby,” Dan said in a soft voice to the pup, before getting back in line and holding the door of the booth open for Phil, which made one of the ride assistant said “Aww” out loudly at them, making Dan blush. He quickly got in himself and they sat on the opposite sides of the booth.

As it started to move, Phil looked with wide eyes at Dan “I trust myself flying, but not this machine,” He said.

Dan smiled and shook his head, getting up to sit beside Phil. The wheel was pretty slow and steady to get up and sit on the other side without stumbling. He sat beside Phil and held his hand in his.

As soon as their booth rose to the top, Phil pressed his head against the glass door, watching in wonder as he could see the whole of the city in all its hustle bustle busy lifestyle. He could see quite far off with his vision and that made everything even better. There were tall buildings and some beautiful architecture, there were people running about their daily lives and kids playing in the parks. Phil could see the birds flying at his level and little squirrels scuttering about in the trees. And somewhere down by a bridge he could see a young couple, about Dan’s age, quietly making out, behind a building.

“This is beautiful!” Phil said, once their booth started moving down.

“I told you,” Dan said, as he stared at Phil still looking outside with a childlike glee. He wanted to pull Phil in his arms and kiss his happy face.

_ Wait what? I don’t want to do that! I can’t do that! _

For some reason Muse’s Undisclosed Desires started playing in Dan’s head.

They got down and got Darren back who ran into Dan’s arms and tried to bite at his hand. Dan wondered if it was in anger for leaving him or happiness at seeing him again. Dan made Phil eat some traditional British fish and chips before taking him along to his coffee shop. He sneaked them in from the back door and made him sit in the staff room. He went to quickly put his apron and nametag on.

“Hey Dan! You’re early, and who’s this pretty boy?” Perrie asked, his coworker.

“Oh umm, he’s a friend,” Dan said, not liking the lip biting and winking she was throwing Phil’s way.

But Dan’s heart jumped happily when Phil didn’t pay her any attention and instead played with Darren, making sneeze noises that surprised Darren everytime.

“Is he a single friend?” She asked.

Dan hesitated before shaking his head. Phil maybe single but he wasn’t for anybody’s taking.

“Oh well, all the cute ones are taken. Perrie is going to die alone,” She said, taking out a cigarette from her pocket and lighting it up.

Immediately Phil began to cough at the smoke and Dan gave Perrie a look, which made her shake her head and walk out the back door.

“I’m sorry. She’s a bit…” Dan couldn’t find a word. He didn’t know Perrie that well to describe her. Except the fact that she looked really pretty and cool with her blue hair and eyebrow piercings and tattoos. Dan was surprised at how Phil didn’t even look at Perrie once, with all of her presence demanding attention. Perrie was indeed very beautiful looking, even without all of her hair colour and makeup and tattoos. And everyone had always given her a minimum of a second glance. Dan himself. And she was nice on most days, when you got to know her. But Phil was the first to completely ignore her.

“Suicidal? Most humans are, either with cigarettes or alcohol or other likely substances. I don’t get that about humans. But I guess to each their own. I’m glad you’re not into those things Dan,” Phil said with a smile.

And Dan felt really happy in his head at that.

“Thanks Phil. Have you ever tasted coffee? Not to brag, but I can make the best caramel macchiatos in this cafe!”

Phil shook his head, and Dan made him try a caramel macchiato and later in the day, a bubble tea. He sneaked Phil some food out and gave Darren some biscuits when no one was looking. He left Phil with his phone, X-men playing on it. He spent his shift, happily working and serving the customers with a smile for a change, because behind the “Staff Only” room, sat a man, playing with a pup, watching X-men and Dan thought he could get used to this; this kind of company, this kind of happiness, that’s addictive in a good way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	7. Chapter 7

7.

 

The next morning Dan decided to take Phil for an actual movie to the cinema. He got up early, to find Phil missing from his bed. Darren was up as well and his bowl was full. Dan smiled at seeing that Phil took care of his dog just as much, if not more. He had an idea where Phil probably was and petted Darren for a bit before going up to the terrace of their building. He found Phil staring happily at the sunny sky.

“Don’t tell me you can see them in spite of the sun?” Dan asked, sitting beside Phil with his legs crossed.

“A bit. The sun is not the brightest star in this galaxy. It’s just because of its close proximity, it appears so bright. But some of my friends are pretty bright as well. I can see them as faint lights. But come afternoon, when the sun is right above us, I’d not be able to see or speak to my friends,” Phil said, looking at the bright sky, that Dan couldn’t even look at without squinting his eyes to a slit.

“What do you guys talk about, beside humans and their shortcomings?” Dan said, teasing Phil from yesterday when he said humans weren’t universe’s best creation.

“Just everyday what I see, what I learn of humans. Every information helps us understand humans better and fulfill their needs.”

“So...what information are you getting from me?”

“Things like how important technology is and how far it has come. You could make so many different types of coffee from that one machine! And to think, the wheel was the greatest invention just a few hundred years ago.”

“Phil that’s a lot of years ago.”

“Maybe. In star age, it’s just a baby’s age. I wasn’t even allowed to perform magic in that much time.”

“Woah, you are an old man!”

“An old star,” Phil corrected Dan with a smile. “And no, I’m not even old per star ages. I’m in fact just a young’un like you in the human world.”

Dan hated the fact that Phil was a star. He wished he could make him human and real, and to stay with him, for a long long time, even if it was as just a friend.

“So not-an-old star, want to go for a movie to the cinema? It’s like a computer screen but really huge.”

“I know what a cinema is. I’m not that old!” Phil sounded mildly offended and that made Dan chuckle.

“Okay Mr Young Star, want to go for a movie?”

“Sure. Is it going to be as cool as X-men though?”

“Oh even better! X-men was a pretty shit movie series. But like I wanted you to understand the concept of mutants and superhumans and things like that. So that movie was a good example,” Dan said getting up and extending a hand out to Phil.

“Okay,” Phil said and took Dan’s hand, pulling him down. Dan fell face first into the floor, but not too badly because Phil slowed him down with his hands. “That was for calling me an old star,” Phil said with a giggle. Dan looked at him and saw him giggling with his tongue poking out the side of his mouth and he couldn’t even bring himself to feel angry at something so adorable.

_ I’m so fucked. _

Phil got up and offered Dan his hand.

“Going to pick me or drop me?”

“Always pick you up. Trust me.” Phil looked so sincere when he said those words that Dan had no reply. He blushed and gave Phil his hand, who helped him up.

“Shall we?” Phil asked and Dan nodded, not meeting Phil’s eye.

Dan sent Phil to shower first, helping himself to some cereal for breakfast and poured some for Phil as well when he came out of the shower. He quickly had a shower himself and went to ask Xander if he could take care of Darren for the day.

Xander gave him a smirk and said, “Ooh, date day with the boyfriend. I see. Come here little pup. You don’t want to see what these two get up to later.”

“It’s not-” Dan started but sighed and shrugged. There was no way about this and he knew Xander was mostly just teasing. Something he was surprisingly very glad about was that none of his roommates were homophobic. Alexis herself recognised as a lesbian. They were all in fact well encouraging from what Dan had noticed. He kissed Darren’s little nose who licked on his own in return, before handing him to Xander. Phil came behind Dan to wave Darren bye as well.

“Bye Phil. Enjoy your date!” Xander said closing his door.

“Bye. I will!” Phil shouted back, making Dan turn his head far too quickly than his neck muscles would’ve liked. “What?” Phil asked seeing the wide eyed look at Dan’s face.

“It’s not a date,” He mumbled.

“It’s not? I thought when two people went to the cinema or for dinner it was a date,” Phil said.

“It doesn’t work like that. Two friends can go as well,” Dan said. He wished Phil had even the tiniest idea how much he wanted this to be a real date.

“Oh. Well that makes sense as well. Okay, information stored. Just friends can go for movies and dinner as well!”

Dan smiled a sad smile, and dragged Phil out of the house. The nearest cinema was only a fifteen minute walk away. It was a nice and sunny day, even though it was a bit chilly. Dan enjoyed walking in silence with Phil, who seemed to be observing everything around him so intensely. At one point he saw Phil blush and his eyes followed to see what made Phil blush. He saw two men sitting in the the balcony of their flat and making out lazily. Dan would’ve blushed looking at them as well, catching them at such an intimate moment of their lives where he felt like an intruder to something so beautiful and filled with love, if only he wasn’t feeling jealous of those two and what they had.

Dan bought them two tickets and a big tub popcorn, which Phil seemed to really love. He found the bubbly soda interesting. Phil went ahead to sit right in the front row, but Dan had to stop him and tell him the tickets had assigned them certain seats. Dan made Phil wear the 3-D glasses and Phil exclaimed out loud, “Wow! This is like magic!”

It made a few heads turn to their direction but Dan just pushed himself further down in his seat, trying to hide, pulling Phil down as well. As the movie started Phil leaned into the front, as if he could get inside the movie and chewed on his popcorn really loudly. Dan didn’t know how to tell Phil to make it quieter, so he just ignored him. A middle-aged lady from the front row turned around and looked at Phil and gave him a dirty look for his loud chewing. And Dan wondered if it was really a good idea to bring Phil to a cinema.

Dan realized Phil talked. A lot. Phil was doing everything in the cinema that Dan hated. He was shushed twice, which made Phil whisper whenever he wanted to enthuse about something in the movie, but even Phil’s whispers were quite loud. At one point, during an emotional scene, where Agent Coulson dies and his death brings the Avengers together, Phil started sobbing loudly.

“He died! He could’ve been easily saved!” Phil exclaimed.

And that was the point, Dan saw the middle aged lady from the front row walk out and come back with an old, bulky looking security guard.

“Sir, please if you will,” The guard said, pointing to the exit door.

Dan nodded and pulled Phil who was trying to ask “But why?” loudly. Phil took the popcorn bowl with him, despite Dan shaking his head at him.

“You boys don’t smell like you’re on something. I don’t know if this is your first time in the cinema or not, but you’re supposed to stay quiet and enjoy the movie yourself and let others enjoy it as well. I’m not reporting you, but let this be a lesson not to disrupt other people’s movies. Alright?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.

Dan nodded quickly, kicking Phil’s leg slyly, telling him to nod as well. “Yes sir, it won’t happen again. Sorry sir,” Dan said.

“Sorry sir?” Phil repeated, but it sounded more like a question than an apology.

“Alright you two, off you go then. I don’t want to see you loitering around, otherwise I will have to press charges.”

“Yes sir, we’re leaving, sir. Sorry,” Dan said. He said sorry a couple of more times by the time they got out of the door.

“They were so rude! They wouldn’t even let us watch a movie in peace!” Phil said once they were out on the streets.

“Really Phil?” Dan was annoyed, but he couldn’t blame Phil. He knew he was to blame himself, because he didn’t explain Phil the cinema etiquettes before taking him in there.

“Yes! I was just admiring the technology and Thor’s hammer and how huge the Hulk was and how unfair it was that Coulson had to die to bring these stupid superhumans together. Don’t humans have emotions?”

Dan sighed. “They do, but like, it’s a movie, it’s all made up, so people just watch it silently and go through a range of emotions but only in their head, or crying silently. We don’t scream that it was unfair out loud.”

Phil just shook his head in disbelief. “Wow! Humans are complex. They feel, but they don’t show? What’s the point of feeling then, if you don’t share it with other people? We stars share everything we see and experience. It brings us closer together.”

Those words hurt Dan somewhere in his heart. He knew Phil was right. There truly wasn’t any point to feelings if they couldn’t talk about it. How had humans gone ahead and closed themselves off from each other, he wondered.  _ Or is it just me? _

“We share our feelings. Maybe not always and maybe it takes us some time, but we do. Just not in a cinema where people are supposed to be quiet so everyone can enjoy the movie and think about it in their heads.”

“Fine. No talking in cinema- information stored on humans and their complex minds.”

Dan smiled and looked at his watch. There was still a long time until his shift at the coffee shop started. So he looked up at his phone and saw what was nearby for Phil to experience, before he left. Dan found a zoo, not too far away. And even though he hated the idea of zoos and animals held in captivity, this one had the herbivores only and it provided them a safe place to stay, rest and gave them plenty of food and wasn’t into cages, though they did have enclosures, but huge ones so the animals didn’t feel confined.

“Okay so there is a zoo nearby. And I know you like animals and I know you like to express and yes, you can be loud there, just don’t be too loud and scare the animals off, okay?” Dan instructed Phil beforehand this time around. Phil nodded sadly.

The more Dan thought about it, the more he found it kind of ironic and funny that he was kicked out of a cinema for all the reasons he hated because of a star that had come down to Earth to grant him any three wishes.  _ Talk about absurd! _

But Dan quickly felt angry again, because not only did the movie tickets go waste, but now he had to spend an extra 34 pounds for the zoo tickets.

_ Way to be a miser, Dan, for someone who can give you an infinite amount of money. _

Phil went absolutely berserk at the zoo. Dan had a hard time keeping up with his excitement. He ran from one enclosure to another, pleading Dan to let him feed the animals, to let him touch them, pet them. But Dan found himself smiling at the excitement Phil was showing. He loved how Phil fed the elephants, stroking their trunk and ear and softly asking them if they liked the food. He loved the way Phil chased the geese and the crumbs he excitedly threw at the ducks. Phil liked the llamas as well, but he especially loved Dan’s impression of them. Dan saw that Phil looked at horses with a kind of distaste.

“What? You don’t like horses?” Dan asked. He had no particular liking for horses either.

“I don’t trust their hooves. I think they might trample me,” Phil whispered in Dan’s ear, as if saying it out loud would make the horses run over him.

“What?” Dan found it really hilarious. “Oh, isn’t it ironic that Philip means ‘lover of horses’,” Dan laughed, ruffling up Phil’s hair, as they moved from the horses to the owl section.

Phil was a bit scared of the owls as well, but he warmed up to them enough that he agreed to take a picture with a barn owl. Dan managed to click a lot of pictures of Phil with the animals, some sneakily taken when Phil wasn't looking, and some when Phil was. He managed to convince Phil to go back to the horse section and they both took a selfie with a baby horse together. It was tiny enough that Phil was sure it couldn’t hurt him if it decided to kick him.

They sat by the duck pond late in the afternoon to have some lunch. Dan brought them tacos from a vendor and some orange juice with it. They sat in silence over the grass, just enjoying the serenity of the the scenery around them. Dan laid down after his tacos, looking at his watch. He still had a bit of time left to get to work. And he wanted to spend that time just quietly sitting here and enjoying the beautiful weather and scenery with Phil. 

Phil laid down right beside him, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan yelped in surprise and pain, because Phil’s head fell over his shoulder with quite some force. But Phil seemed unfazed by it. He pointed to the sky and said, “You humans have this beautiful view you know? This blue sky and this yellow sun and these clouds! These clouds are so beautiful! And there are so many birds. It's a beautiful place to live, honestly.”

Dan stuttered a bit before asking, “Would you stay here if you had to?”

“If I had to, then yes. I could get used to this. The food is good, the view is good. The people are confusing, but you're good, so I think humans are good as well.”

Dan's heart that was already racing a bit above normal since Phil laid down over his shoulder, now raced abnormally fast.

_ Phil would stay… _

“Thank you Phil. Thank you,” Dan said, feeling a lump rise in his throat.

They laid in silence for some time before Dan told Phil they had to get up or otherwise he'd miss work. Phil groaned but got up, only after making Dan promise he'd get some of yesterday's coffee and butter croissants and the rest of the Avengers movie to watch in the back.

Dan smiled and nodded, taking Phil to work. It felt normal to him to take this stranger to work, to his home and to share so many memories with him.

Phil felt home. And that scared Dan. Because Phil could never be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	8. Chapter 8

8.

 

Dan hated how much he found the routine that had somehow set up between him and Phil to feel normal, to feel good and safe. It scared him that someday, the illusion of this safety would break and he'd be left to feel hollow again. He joked with himself after a few days that the only thing their domestic routine lacked was cheesy nicknames and morning goodbye kisses and evening welcome back home kisses. They had a child- their little pup Darren together to take care of. They slept in the same bed. Dan left the house to work or to study and Phil waited at home for him. It couldn't get more old school domestic than that.

Dan found himself paying attention in his classes and finishing up his projects and essays before time so that he could spend more time with Phil. He'd take the lunch time and time between lectures to finish his assignments and sometimes he'd skip the last lecture or two to go back home and sit in his room with Phil and watch a movie with him. They'd take Darren for evening walks and get dinner together. Either make quick ramen or buy some cheap pizza or tacos from the shops. At nights they would go up to the terrace and Phil would tell Dan more about the humans he had come across. What they had taught him about human life at that time on Earth. He'd tell him some of his friends experiences on Earth. He even claimed that the Genie from Aladdin was inspired from the stars.

“What? No way. You're just taking Disney’s credit now,” Dan argued whilst laughing at how offended Phil sounded at Aladdin.

“What, you think they came up with concept of three wishes on their own? Nope, I'm telling you, someone on that team must've been visited by a star.”

“Okay star-man, if you say so. Such plagiarism, much offense, wow,” Dan said winking at Phil. He didn't even know he could wink. But then again, Phil was bringing out all these different sides to him that he didn't know existed.

And as close as they were becoming, Dan found himself telling Phil things from his past, some that were easy to talk about and some that he'd never shared with anyone before, things that he whispered in the silence of the night, because he didn't think in the mornings he could look at Phil and be so open about his struggles.

It would start out as something small and easy. He'd tell Phil about his childhood crushes and then somehow the topic of sexuality would come up. And in the dark of the night, he'd tell Phil that he struggled with it a lot in school. That there were people who bullied him just because he looked and dressed a certain way. It made him not want to open up to anyone about it in his teen years. He felt like he was wrong, that he was dirty for having such thoughts. And he'd start crying and Phil would hold his hand and tell him he was sorry that he had to go through it all alone. He told him about how after finally changing schools and coming across a really open minded girl at fifteen, with her help he had been able to accept himself and come out to his family. His family tried hard to understand the concept of bisexuality and some dinner conversations would turn awkward at something unknowingly offensive they'd say. But they loved Dan and more importantly, they wanted him to be happy. The coming out had caused a minor rift between him and his family, mostly due to their ignorance than anything else, but Dan still had a place and a set of people to call home, and for that he was grateful. And he also had some of the best time with that girl for the three years that they were together.

He didn't tell Phil how much he had started feeling like home now.

He did tell Phil about what he called his silly dreams of becoming an actor, a stage actor at that, of becoming a musician, of becoming in general just a cool person. But the school bullying had left him traumatised from acting and his piano teacher had pretty much ruined piano for him. And he came to terms with the fact that he could never be cool. He liked his nerdy side way too much. And the internet considered nerdy cool. So that was enough for him.

He told him about his work experiences and how he was miserably fired from those places for lying, sleeping on the job and selling an axe to a twelve year old. Phil was appalled at the last one but Dan only said, “Hey, listen, I thought this was a no-judgment zone!” And he shushed Phil before continuing how he lied to go to festivals with his so called good friends, who weren't even around anymore. He agreed that they had had some good times, but he wondered if they were worth losing your teen job over.

He told him about his childhood, the video games he played, some of them even to this day. He promised they’d play some together soon. He told him about his grandparents and how close he was to them. He told him about the music he listened to, about his pet hamster that had ran away. He told him the full story of how he managed to spray himself with deodorant in his eye and the real reason of him running away from that audition.

“I thought that this University could be a fresh start you know? I could leave my old self behind in Reading and start anew in Manchester where nobody knew me. I had the chance to reinvent myself. And in that first week of feeling a bit confident, I was like, sure! Let's go join the drama club. Only when I reached there I saw how everybody was talking to each other so comfortably, like they all knew each other. And then when I came in, I was that outsider and so many of them just looked at me with this look, like, what was I doing there. Like I didn't belong there and I got so scared. I had gone there with Xander and Ben. And I ended up running out of there so fast, through the backdoor, into the bathroom of the nearest cafe, that it took them almost an hour to find me. It was stupid, right? Like what was I even thinking? The kids in my old school had bullied me enough for my acting and my voice and my music that I didn't have a shred of confidence left in me to act again, even if it was in a new place. And all those people looked to confident and comfortable in their skins, that I just knew I didn't belong with them, my under-confident, self-loathing filled shit-brained soul.”

Phil could listen to Dan talk all day. It was a surprise to him that Dan didn't talk to a lot of people. Because Dan was good at talking, at telling his stories. He would sometimes make them so over-dramatic and funny, that Phil couldn't help but laugh loudly at Dan and his antics. Sometimes Phil would be so pulled into Dan's storytelling, he could practically see the scene happening before him. And sometimes Dan would be so truthful and vulnerable that it broke his heart. Those were the stories and times where Phil would hold Dan’s hand and gently make patterns on the back of his hand. Sometimes, if they were lying down, Phil would stroke Dan's hair and gently massage his forehead. And sometimes Phil would just pull Dan into a hug.

“Hey, you can be a great actor. You just need to find the right kind of crowd, where you fit in. The kind that will help you grow instead of putting you down,” Phil had said when Dan told him about his failed acting dreams. He hugged Dan from behind and they slept like that through the night.

Phil was reaching a point where he understood Dan well enough. Dan didn't have simple needs like the people he had met previously, like food, shelter, money or protection. He had had all of those things. And neither were Dan’s wishes too complicated or anything. He just wanted to fit in, to have a friend to share his stories with and just a reason to be happy. Something to keep that little happiness with him on his down days. To make him remember that things do get better.

And it wasn't too hard for Phil to grant them.

What Phil found hard, was to talk to Dan about it. Because he didn't know how he could give Dan a friend he needed without being that friend. He didn't know how he could give Dan happiness without being a part of it. Because since they'd been staying together, Phil had seen that smile grow wider and wider on Dan’s face, until the dimples just wouldn't stop showing, until that loud laugh of his wouldn't make him laugh as well. He'd become that friend that Dan needed. He could see how much Dan had come to rely on him to talk about things that worried him and disturbed him and kept him up at nights.

And so he was stuck in a loophole. He wanted to give Dan the happiness he wished for, but also wanted to stay because he himself was the happiness Dan wished for. And he just couldn't be what Dan wanted him to be.

He didn't know how to break it to Dan. He wondered if Dan knew himself how much he had come to rely on Phil for everything. From a friend he could hang out with, to the friend he told about all his desires in the dead of the night. Somehow Dan had accepted him so much as a part of his daily life that he guessed Dan had even forgotten he was a star.

These days Dan didn't even blink an eye or blush that much whenever his friends teased them. He didn't bother correcting them at all. He didn't correct the strangers whenever they'd take Darren for a walk or go out to explore the city, clicking photos together or of each other and the city. Dan was finishing his work and going to classes with a smile. He'd take Phil to work and happily sneak behind to the staff room every few minutes to ask about the movie he was watching or tell him about a weird order a customer gave him.

And Phil knew he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy all of it. He enjoyed the little walks they took through the town with Darren. He loved the different types of food Dan would make him try. He enjoyed that Dan could talk to him and that he asked him a lot of questions as well about his life as a star. He loved sharing his memories with Dan, that he could show them to Dan as they happened and Dan listened to them and saw them with utmost interest, as if they were the most fascinating things. He'd listen to his stories and stories of his friends and their time on Earth and he could see Dan always smiling as he heard of those stories, never looking bored or irritated. In fact, he'd sometimes even throw in questions and listen with intent.

Phil liked this part. He liked being human and even more, he liked that someone wanted him as a human and not just a wish granting machine.

A bit over a week passed and Dan and Phil lived in this tiny kind of world of their own, where Phil was not a star come down to only grant Dan three wishes and Dan was not a lonely person battling his inner demons. They were happy and alone and together, walking on a line of friendship that had never existed before for either of them.

One afternoon, someone knocked on Dan’s bedroom door as Phil was reading the first Harry Potter book that Dan highly recommended. Phil didn’t know if it would be more rude to open the door of a bedroom that didn’t belong to him, or to not open the door to a person. In the end he opened the door when Darren started jumping and bumping into the closed door.

“Hey man,” Xander said as soon as Phil opened the door.

“Hello,” Phil replied.

“Look, we’re having a small party tonight, getting drunk and wasted and all that stuff. We submitted some major papers in today and that calls for a celebration. Dan was still in the library, finishing his paper when I left, so he should be here soon. So, yeah, join in you guys! It’d be fun. And tell Dan to bring some food on his way back. I’ve got the drinks and music covered. It starts at six. Cool?”

Phil didn’t know what to say. He could not make decisions on Dan’s behalf.

But he liked the idea of a party. He’d heard of those. From Dan and from some of his friends and their experiences. He knew that humans enjoyed these kinds of things. So he wanted to give it a try as well. Another human experience to add to the list.

So Phil nodded and smiled.

“Great, see you guys soon. And, uh, make sure you give this guy some good sleep medicine and some earmuffs, or he’s going to be miserable with all the loud music,” Xander said, petting Darren who was jumping all around him.

“Sure,” Phil said, and Xander left after giving Darren a few more strokes to his ear and telling him he was such a good boy.

Phil could feel that Xander was a very good person, he just wondered why he and Dan weren’t very good friends.

When Dan came back to his room, he saw Phil rummaging through his closet.

“Hey Phil?” It sounded more like a question than a greeting.

“Oh hello Dan! Xander said there is a party today. And he said you should get some food, but I didn’t know how to contact you, besides right up flying to wherever you were and I didn’t think you’d appreciate that. Also, is this a good shirt?” Phil asked, pulling out one of Dan’s really old white shirt, which seemed to make Phil look even paler. Also it had some food stains over it.

“We’re attending a party?” Dan was surprised that Phil was informed before he was. He didn’t mind, but he didn’t even know Phil would get that excited over a party that he’d hunt down through his closet for a good shirt.

“Yes. Xander said it’d be fun!”

“Of course he did,” Dan said with a smile, shaking his head. It wasn’t unusual of Xander to throw a small party, to get wasted to celebrate small occasions like submitting a paper. “Wait,” He said, pushing Phil aside a bit and removing a black and white plaid shirt from his closet and giving it to Phil. “I think this will suit you better.” And then his eyes came across an old pair of ripped jeans he owned and the idea of seeing Phil in ripped jeans was simultaneously really funny and hot in his head, so he made Phil put it on as well. And Phil changed right in front of him despite Dan having told him a few times before not to do that. But to Phil, human anatomy was nothing to be ashamed of. He in fact told Dan just a few days ago, when Dan complained about the same thing, that Dan should be proud of his anatomy and show it off. Dan didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh at the double meaning or coo at Phil’s innocence.

But suddenly he wondered if Phil was really innocent or purposely said things that could easily have double meanings. Because Phil did say a lot of things that had a double meaning.

“Wanna go and get some food for these idiots?” Dan asked, once they both were dressed.

“But Xander said the party starts at six, and it’s five minutes to six!”

“Oh Phil, you still have so much to learn about us. If someone says the party starts at six, they really mean seven. It’s always at least an hour later. Got it?”

Phil cocked his head and pouted. Because no, he didn’t get it. “Why say six if you mean seven?”

“Because we humans are weird like that. No other reason.” This had become Dan’s favourite answer to Phil’s weird questions about why humans did certain things the way they did.

“Yes you are. And sure. Can we get popcorn please?” Phil asked.

And Dan thought who was he to deny that cutie-face his desires.

Before they left, Phil fed Darren his food and calmly stroked Darren’s head, whispering something. And soon Darren fell asleep.

“What did you do?” Dan asked.

“Xander told me to put him to sleep with some medicine and give him earmuffs for the party. But I’m better. I have magic. Darren is going to have a good peaceful sleep tonight, with nothing disturbing him,” Phil said with a huge smile and Dan scoffed a “Show-off,” before laughing and picking Darren up and putting him in a blanket fort they had made for him on the floor.

They went to the nearest store and bought the cheapest brands and deals they could find on chips, pretzels, a huge bottle bottle of pepsi and some gummy bears, because Phil insisted they looked cute. And of course popcorn. Dan reasoned with himself that he didn’t have to buy proper food because they could order some substantial food later, where everyone chipped in, as he certainly couldn’t afford to order like a dozen pizzas out of his pocket.

When they arrived back home, they saw Willow setting up the gaming console, and Xander putting water in the freezer to make some ice. Alexis and Ben just lounged on the sofa watching television.

“Hey lovebirds, I hope you got the sandwiches and the acid,” Alexis said, not even looking at them from the television show she was watching.

Dan just shook his head at Alexis but Phil said, “No. We didn’t find any sandwiches but there is acid in pepsi!”

Suddenly everyone stopped whatever they were doing to stare at Phil.

“He was, ummm, homeschooled. Don’t tease him,” Dan said, not liking the sudden attention on Phil.

“Aww look at you standing up for your boyfriend!” Willow said, before everybody returned to their work with a smile or a laugh.

Dan just sighed. He had given up on them.

But as he stood there, everyone smiling and doing their work, he realised Phil had brought him closer to these people. Earlier they were more roommates than friends, but now they all asked him how his day was, how Phil was, if they could play with Darren, if he’d like to join their game. Dan actually did spend significantly more time with Xander in his classes and in the library since Phil had entered his life, helping each other with their course work.

He wondered if they’d remain just as nice and friendly after Phil left.  _ Would they remember any speck of Phil? Would everything remain the same after he leaves, or go back to being bad? _

Those thoughts put Dan in a bit of a foul mood. But Phil just bumped his shoulder and pointed excitedly to the unopened bag of popcorn they were still carrying and just like that, Dan found himself smiling again.

He knew the answer to his questions. Things would never remain the same. He felt like he had found his happiness. And if Phil left, that happiness would go away.

A few people showed up in the next hour or so. Dan recognised most of them, having seen them with his friends or in classes. He went through the arduous process of explaining the fake backstory of Phil whenever anybody asked about him.

And as Dan sipped on his cocktails, feeling himself relax, starting to get a bit carefree, he noticed on his fifth cocktail that Phil was drinking just as much, matching his speed. And when he put down his drink, so did Phil. Dan tested it out and realised Phil was copying his movements and Dan couldn’t help but find it adorable.

After their sixth drink, Phil said his head was feeling lighter. “Am I supposed to feel like this?”

“I’ve been feeling like that since my third,” Dan replied, closing the distance between them and laying his head on Phil’s shoulder, humming the song that was playing on the speaker.

“Oh, so it’s normal. Okay. Alcohol isn’t that bad. I mean it’s bitter, but if you add that sweet pepsi to it, it kind of nullifies it. And I kind of like this lightheadedness feeling. Also, this music with the alcohol is making me feel like I’m a buzz, like I don’t know, I’m a fly or something!”

Dan laughed. Phil always said the most absurd things to describe his human experiences.

“Hmm…” Dan just mumbled and pushed himself more into Phil’s side, finding himself feeling clingy for some reason. And as Phil was pushed into the handrest of the couch, they found themselves sitting in practically one seat of the couch.

“Smile!” Someone shouted and they both looked up just in time to see Willow’s camera flashing in their eyes.

“One more,” Dan said, looking up at Phil and kissing his cheek. And just as his lips touched Phil’s cheek, Dan heard the camera make the click noise. He smiled into his kiss before getting up and pulling Phil up as well.

“Let’s dance!” Dan said. He was still pretty aware of what he did and that people were staring. He was very well aware of the smirk Willow had on her face and that he hadn’t had enough to make this all seem like it was the alcohol’s fault. No, he was pretty much into his senses, just with his inhibitions lowered. And he found himself wanting to enjoy this night, this party with Phil. So he got up and pulled Phil with him without giving a damn about anything else.

It seemed Ben saw them, because as soon as Dan started moving his hips a bit, his hands holding Phil’s trying to make him move, Ben changed the dance song to a slow track, a track you couldn’t possibly just sway your hips to, but only gently move around in another person’s embrace.

“Do you want to?” Dan asked offering Phil his hand like a gentleman.

“I don’t know how to dance. I saw it in one of the movies but I don’t think I can replicate it.”

“Do you trust me?” Dan asked, even though he barely knew how to dance. He just really wanted to know if Phil was okay with dancing with him like that.

“Of course Dan, of course,” Phil said.

And that was enough for Dan. He pulled him into his arms, making Phil keep his arms on his waist, while he put his hands around Phil’s neck. They stood at a little distance, Dan not knowing what Phil would be comfortable with. And Dan didn’t find it apt to just do whatever he felt like just because Phil was a bit unaware of how humans did certain things and what they meant.

But Phil noticed soon that the people who started joining the dance floor, came in pairs and danced like them, with one’s arms around the other’s waist and the other’s around their neck. What he found odd was that everyone who was dancing like them, were stood closer together. Willow was dancing with her head over Xander’s shoulder, no distance between them at all. And another girl, whose name was Grace, was kissing Alexis square on the mouth for a long, long time. They only broke away when they needed to breathe, but they broke apart with a smile and got back to kissing just as soon as they separated.

Phil blushed, looking at them. He knew that kissing was a human gesture for love and affection. He wondered if the little cheek kisses he and Dan had shared meant the same or were they just friendly? _ Do friends in human world kiss on the cheeks all the time? Do they sometimes even do lip kisses? Dan’s got nice lips. It wouldn’t be so bad to kiss him, would it? But am I allowed to? What if Dan doesn’t want it? How am I supposed to know? _

And just then someone clinked some glasses together and Ben looked at Phil and winked.

“Your DJ for tonight thinks it’s the perfect opportunity to kiss the living daylights out of your loved ones. Go ahead and have fun people! Especially Dan and Phil,” Ben announced loudly, lowering the volume of the speakers just a bit.

Suddenly all eyes were on Dan and Phil. Those dancing had stopped and those not dancing also stared at them.

“Come on Dan! Wohooo!” Xander screamed and Dan was sure he had had far too many to drink.

Dan and Phil stared at each other but made no move to get closer. After a few seconds someone started a chant of “Kiss! Kiss!” And Dan found himself blushing and unable to meet Phil’s eyes. As his gaze shifted down to look at the floor, it stopped for a second on Phil’s lips and Dan couldn’t help but so badly want to press his lips against Phil’s.

And Phil looked at Dan, not knowing where else to look or what else to do. After another few seconds when Dan didn’t look up and people still kept on chanting Phil whispered, “Hey it’s okay. You don’t have to kiss me if you’d want to.”

Dan looked up to find Phil’s eyes so sincere and his face having a smile, a smile that wasn’t the happy kind, but the sad kind. “That’s the problem Phil. I really want to kiss you. But I don’t know if that’s okay with you. If you know-”

“I know,” Phil said, nodding.

“Are you sure?” Dan asked, not wanting to force himself on Phil just because he and his human nature wanted it. He wanted Phil to want it just as well, for Phil to not regret it.

Phil nodded again and Dan realized Phil was blushing a lot. His very pale cheeks had a pink glow to them. His own cheeks felt like they were on fire and as Dan moved closer and held Phil’s face, he could feel the warmth off Phil’s face.

“What am I supposed to do? Hold your face as well?” Phil whispered just as Dan leaned in, his lips a few centimetres from Phil’s.

And Dan laughed, throwing his head back, before going back in and pressing his lips against Phil’s, closing his eyes. Phil didn’t respond to that much, so Dan opened his eyes and broke apart, finding Phil staring at him with eyes wide open. Dan laughed again and muttered, “Close your eyes and just feel. Do whatever feels right to you. You’ll know what to do, trust me,”

When Dan leaned in again, Phil met him halfway and even though their noses collided, Dan soon adjusted his face and they were kissing. Phil, with his eyes closed, suddenly did feel like he knew what he was supposed to do. And so as their lips moved against each other, Phil found his hands going around Dan’s waist trying to pull him closer than what could be physically possible. And Dan’s hands pulled at Phil’s hair, trying to kiss his lips at every angle possible, trying to memorise the way Phil’s soft lips felt against his own, how good his warmth felt when they were wrapped with each other, how he smelt and how good his hands felt on his body, pulling him closer.

It took both of them some time to realize that everyone had stopped chanting and gone back to what they were doing before.

They broke apart, a grin and blush etched on both of their faces. Xander wolf-whistled before diverting all his attention to Willow again.

“Do you want to just...get away from here?” Dan asked, biting his lips, not meeting Phil’s eyes.

“You mean we…” Phil asked, not knowing how to express himself properly, but Dan understood what he meant. They had seen enough movies together to know what usually getting away after a passionate kiss like that meant.

“No! No! We could, I mean, that is if you want to, we could, umm, do more of this? And, umm, just lie down and like cuddle and, umm, sleep,” Dan said in a hurry, not sure of his words. Sex was not on his mind at all.  _ Okay, maybe like, 1%. _ But he really wanted to enjoy this innocent little time with Phil alone, cuddled to him and just kissing him some more until they were both too tired to continue and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

“More of this? I’d like that,” Phil said with a smile.

So Dan took Phil’s hand and dragged him out of the lounge to his room, as Ben screamed, “Someone’s getting some tonight guys.” But they didn’t pay heed to that. They didn’t care. They just wanted to spend this time with each other in their little bubble.

And they did just as Dan said. Laid down beside each other, just innocently kissing as much as they could, not saying a word. And somewhere in between the silence of their unsaid conversations, the music blasting from outside and the kisses, they fell asleep in each other's arms, with Phil’s head on Dan’s chest and Dan’s head buried in Phil’s hair and a smile on both of their faces that even sleep couldn’t erase off their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	9. Chapter 9

9

 

Dan was having a really nice dream that morning before he woke up. He saw him and Phil living in some nice neighbourhood where they had a little garden right outside their house, where Darren was playing with a ball. Darren looked much older, his golden fur having darkened a bit and Dan was sure if Darren stood on his hind legs, he'd easily reach his chest. He was stood on the balcony of a first floor room and looking at Darren play, when someone came from behind him and engulfed him in a hug. He turned around to see Phil there, grinning at him and then proceeding to kiss him. Dan kissed him back, smiling into the kiss.

“Good morning,” Phil said and Dan noticed Phil looked older, more filled out, with shorter hair and a hint of stubble over his chin. He was still very pale, but less so than before.

“Good-” Dan was cut off by a shriek from down from the garden. He looked around in worry, but soon he saw a chubby little girl, no more than three years old, running and stumbling, chasing Darren. She was laughing and shrieking and Dan would've thought she was screaming in pain if it wasn't for the utter happiness on her face.

“Are we late for work?” Phil asked.

And Dan just stared at him. He kissed him again to make sure that it was real and he got a kiss back. But something was making him feel uneasy, pulling something in him, pulling him somewhere else.

The dream kept fading and coming back, like static images, he was just stood still in Phil's arms and there was this little girl and a dog playing down in the garden. It'd go black and then come back again. Dan didn't know how long it went on, but it faded to black for quite some time before he felt a soft and furry thing hit his nose and his face again and again. He opened his eyes to find Darren licking Phil's face and Phil gently petting him, while Darren wagged his tail in his face.

“What a way to wake up! I thought there'd be morning kisses, but here I'm with his smelly tail in my face,” Dan said after a long moment where he and Phil just stared at each other. He wanted to make sure last night happened and that it wasn't a mistake. And he thought it'd be better to get to the point than beat around the bush.

“He was missing us a lot. He tried to wake you up with kisses, but you were sleeping adamantly with this smile on your face, so I picked him up and started playing with him,” Phil said.

Dan smiled and stretched before sitting up. He yawned loudly before taking Darren in his arms, thankful that he was still small enough that he could pick him, but also feeling a kind of nostalgia for the Darren in his dream that was big and playing with a little kid.  _ Our kid _ , Dan’s mind supplied.

_ Wishful thinking so early in the morning, _ he thought. He put Darren down and got up to pour some of his food in his bowl, petting him for a few more minutes before going back and sitting on the bed with Phil, who was observing Dan like a hawk, not even blinking. Dan found it weird, but then again he found most things about Phil weird, and all that weirdness made Phil...him. And he was all adorable in Dan’s dictionary.

“So…?” Because they had to address this at some point. And wanted to get straight to it.

“So…” Phil replied.

And then they stayed silent, just looking at Darren eating his food, avoiding each other.

“This isn’t how conversations are supposed to go. I say something, you say something and we keeping saying something,” Dan said.

“Until?” Phil asked.

“Until…,” Dan sighed “Until one of us has to leave.”

“Dan…” Phil started after a few moments of silence but Dan cut him off.

“I know. I know you have to leave. I know you can’t love me. You’re a star and I made you go ahead and kiss me and like...I shouldn’t have done it, you know! You don’t know what these things mean, well, and I feel like I’m forcing myself on you and it’s not fair to you, for me to do this with you and-”

Phil placed his finger on Dan’s lips, shushing him.

“You didn’t force yourself on me. I’m aware of what these things mean in the human world. Very well aware of it. And I liked it. And that scares me just as much as it scares you. I know you’re scared. So am I. I didn’t even know I could feel like this Dan, but here I am,” Phil smiled a sad smile before continuing, “I feel this weird thing. Right here, you know,” He said, pointing to his stomach. “And I feel this pounding right here,” now pointing to his heart. “And my face, it warms up, and it’s not something I do, it just happens. It all happens when I think about you, about that kiss last night or even when I look at you. All I want to do is kiss you again like last night... I don't know what's happening. I guess I have an idea of what this is... what humans call this, but I don't know for sure. What is it Dan? What are you doing to me? Am I supposed to feel this way?”

In lieu of a reply, Dan kissed him. It wasn’t soft and slow, like last night’s kisses. This one was kind of desperate, like as if kissing Phil with all that force would take the two of them to his dream world where they could stay happily ever after.

“Dan…” Phil whispered between the kisses.

Dan wasn’t sure if that was a moan or something else, but he stopped. And he looked down again, not meeting Phil’s eye.

But Phil took his hand and held it in his, stroking it with his other hand. “Do you feel the same Dan?”

Dan nodded. And he felt tears slip down his eyes. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to be weak in front of Phil and force him to stay. He wanted to be strong and tell Phil that it would be fine. He’d be fine. But he couldn’t bring himself to make the tears stop flowing.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. When I go, you’re going to find someone so beautiful and so nice, you’d forget I ever existed. They’ll make you feel so loved and so safe, you’d never need anybody else,” Phil said, holding back the lump that was forming in his throat. He didn’t even know he could cry himself. But his eyes were definitely burning and he felt like he had to sniffle in every breath.

“You’re all of that Phil. You do all of that for me. You’re my...my friend. And I don’t think I can find somebody as nice as you,” Dan sobbed out, turning to bury himself into Phil’s chest, wrapping his arms around Phil.

Phil’s hands slid up Dan’s spine to his hair, stroking it, trying to comfort him while also finding comfort himself in Dan’s embrace. “I told you Dan, trust this universe. It’ll do right by you. You’ll find somebody so much better than me, somebody who’d understand the human world just as much as you and you wouldn’t have to worry about taking them to the cinema.” Phil faked a chuckle there, trying to lighten Dan’s mood.

But Dan shook his head. “I don’t want that. I like you, as you are, human or not, star or not. You’re Phil and you’re nice. You’re so nice, Phil. So much better than I am.”

“Hey hey, don’t say that again. I told you, you’re just as nice and beautiful. I know you don’t see that about yourself, but you should see through my eyes. You care about me and my consent. You care about Darren and you even care about so many people, even those who haven’t always been there for you. I told you, you and me are connected. And if you think I’m good, then you have to be just as good. And trust me, you are.”

Dan didn’t have much to respond to that with. So they stayed quiet again, apart from sobbing, and trying to control it, but failing to do so.

“What if...what if I never make another wish? Will you stay forever then. I know it’s selfish. And I want you to go and be happy with your star friends, where you belong. But a part of me wants you to stay here with me so badly, I can’t explain.”

“I don’t think it’d work, Dan. With me, I need to understand what you want and I can grant you, you don’t really always need to act it out for me. Non-verbal wishes just mean, I need to understand you and then grant you.”

“But my wish was...was not you, but somehow you went ahead and became my wish. Now what am I supposed to do?” Dan looked at Phil, eyes all red, and face all splotchy.

“Dan...I...I don’t know what to say. I don’t belong here on Earth. I don’t think anything could work. I’ll have to go.” This time, Phil didn’t meet Dan’s eyes.

“Could you take me with you?”

Phil smiled. “We stars, we don’t have relations like that up there, silly.”

Dan sighed.

“Okay then,” He stood up and walked a little away from Phil. “You have to go. I...I’m going to go out now. I need some fresh air. I’ll come back after work and you can grant me whatever wishes and leave. There’s no point at...at doing all this,” Dan said pointing between the two of them.

“Dan-” Phil started but Dan put his hand up.

“Look, no. Don’t say anything. I know you can’t stay here. I know I’m being selfish and stupid. It’s all my fault for falling for the first person that showed me the smallest amount of kindness, the first person to befriend me for who I am. And the joke is on me, because you’re not even a person. You’re a star! A fucking star! And I wish you never fell for me. Because you’re giving me everything I ever needed just by being yourself, and now you’re going to take it away, Phil! I hate that I like you so much. But it’s my fault. It is. So please don’t do anything, don’t say anything. Just make it quick so I don’t feel that much pain, okay?” Dan thought he’d fall down with the way his knees were shaking, and the way his vision had blurred with all his tears.

Phil stood up and walked over to Dan, hugging him.

“Don't make this any harder, Phil. You have to go. Leave me with your good memories. Not these ones,” Dan requested. And even though he didn't want to be hugged by Phil, he dropped all of his weight on Phil and couldn't bring himself to separate from him.

Phil just stroked his hair and they stood like that for a long time, before Darren started whining and jumping into Dan's legs.

“I'll go. Take him for a walk. There's cereal in my cupboard. Go have some breakfast,” Dan said. He broke Phil's embrace and wiped his face on his sleeve. He picked up Darren's leash from his bedside table and tied it around his neck, leaving the house without a backward glance at Phil.

Phil sighed once Dan had left. He suddenly felt very alone. And he had never felt this way. It was such a strange feeling to him. He wanted to go wrap himself up in Dan's duvet and just stay there forever in his leftover warmth and scent. And he wanted to stay here, on Earth, right in Dan's bedroom, waiting for him to come back home, so they could eat dinner together and watch a movie on his laptop and play with Darren and then kiss each other until they grew tired and fell asleep. Everything felt strange to Phil. That feeling in his heart, that loneliness of the empty room and the gnawing feeling in his stomach of the impending departure. Nothing felt right. And Phil didn't think he could even make it feel right.

He wiped his face with his shirt and went to the kitchen to have some breakfast. He saw Willow and Xander sitting around the table, with glasses of cold water, having some bananas.

“Hello,” Phil greeted them, as happily as he could. It was his last day here and he wanted to meet everybody before he left. Just to kind of say goodbye in his own way. To everyone but Dan.

“Shh man! It hurts!” Xander said. And Willow just shook her head, massaging her temples.

“Okay. Want me to make it go away?” Phil asked, wanting to do something nice for them.

“What's your hangover cure?” Willow asked, her voice sounding a bit sore.

“It's uhh… You'll see,” Phil said, quickly using his powers to look through the fridge and the cupboards to find something to make a kind of edible drink embedded with his magic to make their pain go away. He settled on lemon juice, black pepper, some chocolate, because everybody loved chocolate and some spinach leaves.

He made sure to make Willow and Xander’s headache worse with his power so they wouldn't look up. He quickly blended all the ingredients together and poured it into two glasses, adding a few pieces of ice and cinnamon sugar on top. It smelled a bit weird, but Phil masked it's scent with a snap of his fingers. He blew over the drinks, giving them the power to cure headaches. He gave them the glasses in their hands.

“It tastes shit!” Xander said, but gulped down the whole thing in a few sips. Willow drank slower than him, but finished her’s as well.

And Phil looked at the clock placed behind them. He counted down. As soon as a hundred and twenty seconds were over, Xander said, “It seems to already be working. Thanks man! What was in it?”

“Oh, just a little magic and some chocolate in there,” Phil said with a smile.

“Well, your magic worked,” He said, and after a moment of hesitation he spoke up again, “Dude, is everything okay between you and Dan?”

Phil, taken aback at the question, just nodded his head a little bit.

“I'm not sure because my head was banging pretty hard, but I think I saw him leaving the house looking quite sad. You two had a couple’s quarrel?”

“We did,” Phil replied, after thinking over and over if it was okay to tell them. But out of all of Dan's friends he trusted Xander and Willow the most.

“It's alright. He'll be back soon and you guys can sort it out. He looked so happy last night. I don't think we've ever seen him so happy, have we, Xan?” Willow asked.

“Yeah. You guys like turned the whole party into this romantic, sexual mood, that everybody slowly started disappearing to whatever empty rooms they could find. I found someone making out in the attic. The fucking attic!” Xander said.

And out of nowhere Phil said, “I'm leaving!”

There was an over dramatic moment, where everything between them fell silent and only the sounds from the street outside could be heard.

“What?” Willow asked, as if she hadn't heard him right.

“I have to go. It's why we...we had the fight.”

“Are you...are you sure? I mean, I'm sure you could stay here for a few more days. You could even move in and share rent with Dan,” Willow suggested.

Phil just shook his head.

“Oh wow. That's not fair on your part man. You can't just walk in here and make the hermit fall for you and then leave when he finally broke out of his shell and fell head over heels for you. We've known Dan for a while now. And he...he’s been so happy with you. For the first time we saw him open up. Not fair man...not fair,” Xander said and got up. He pushed past Phil to go to his room, bumping hard into Phil, as if with the purpose of hurting him.

Phil felt tears roll down his face again. Willow took his hand in hers and stroked it.

“Do you really have to go?” She asked softly.

Phil nodded.

“You know, Xander really cares about Dan. When he first moved in here, Xander had gotten sick really badly and Dan was the only one who cared for him. Took him to the hospital and stayed with him through his operation. It took his parents a few days to come from the states and by that time, Dan had already payed a lot from his pocket and stayed with him through it all. And he didn't even know Xander very well, but he still did it for him. And Xander thinks ever since then, he owes something to Dan, that he has to repay him in some way. He tried to get Dan out of the house and into different things because Dan was always room bound. He'd never get out much or talk much. And he looked sad quite often. Xander would try hard to cheer him up. And that's why when you came, he took it upon himself to tease you two, to get something going on between you two. And now when he finally saw Dan so happy...he's just upset that Dan has to be sad again. He doesn't really blame you. I think he blames himself for not being able to make Dan happy. It's okay, Phil. You don't have to give anybody an explanation,” She said in this understanding tone that made Phil hug her and place his chin on her head and cry into her hair.

She patiently patted his back until he was able to speak again.

“Dan is nice. He is so nice. Please take care of him? He...he gets lost easily within his head. He needs help, but he won't ever admit it or say it out loud. Just be there for him?” Phil asked, finally realising what his final wish for Dan should be.

Willow nodded, squeezing him, assuring him.

Phil went back to his and Dan's room and sat on the bed, taking his locket off. The black stone, made of stardust and half used up by now, shone in Phil's hands. Phil sighed, before breaking it in half again. The one in his left he held close to his mouth and murmured something under his breath. An envelope appeared on the desk as that piece broke into tiny particles spreading through the air. Phil smiled looking at it. He then broke the last piece into the air, just saying a little request in his head to the stardust. The stardust disappeared, doing nothing physical, but Phil knew it had worked. He then quickly took out a notebook from Dan’s desk and a pen.

 

“Dear Dan,

Goodbyes have been hard on me. I hated saying goodbye to those little kids. I hated seeing them die. But I liked seeing them smile when I left them.

With you, it's my hardest goodbye ever. I don't want to do it. But I can't even stay. I'm sorry that instead of coming down and granting you your wishes, I somehow went ahead and became your wish.

You want to know a secret, Dan? You became my wish too. No, not a wish exactly. But a beacon of happiness. I never knew it was possible for me to feel all these feelings. But you showed me this different side of me that I didn't knew existed. And I liked this new side a lot. And even though it hurts me just as much, leaving you, I'm glad you gave me this time with you, you gave me these feelings and new experiences. I'm thankful for all that you are and all you've done for me. And you've done a lot for me. You're...you're so nice and you're perfect. Please believe that, even on the bad days when your head and your heart tells you the opposite. Trust me, trust your friends. You're amazing Dan, don't let anyone tell you any different.

I'm leaving you with two gifts. I hope you like them. The acceptance letter might scare you, but trust me, it's a small group of people who are really nice and encouraging. You'd like them.

The next, well you'll see. You once told me you'd have to mope alone. But you don't have to do anything alone, Dan. There are people who love you, let them in, Dan. Let them help you. Okay?

I see that note you've stuck to your desk. An appointment for Wednesday. You should go for it, Dan. I'm sure she can help you out. And it'll take a while, but things will be back to being good. Hey, maybe even better, who knows? You'll have to stay around to see what the future holds.

Promise me you'll stay around and stay strong? About your actual wish that I couldn't grant… well, maybe someone else is waiting out there to grant it to you. Maybe that person is also walking their dog in the neighbourhood and you'll bump into them one fine day.

Love Darren loads from me. And love yourself from me as well.

Okay? Bye.

  * Love, Your favourite star, Phil.”



  
  


When Dan came back home from work at night, with Darren on leash. He read the letter over and over again, hugging Darren, not knowing when or if the tears would ever stop.

For someone who had stayed alone most of his life and learned to accept to be alone, Dan found the now empty bed to be taunting him, swallowing him into a pit of misery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	10. Chapter 10

10

 

“As I see it Mr Howell, you've taken the most difficult step already. Always while dealing with depression and anxiety, the first step- to ask for help- is the hardest. And now that you've already taken that step, you've started a process of healing within you. Things will get better from here on. As cliché as it sounds, it's true. Although counselling may not be the only thing you'll require. Medicines can really help balance out the hormones in your body that need to be in the right amounts. Combined with therapy and a few other activities, like say, exercise and a new hobby, a year later you'll see yourself in a very different place, a happier place. I want you to promise yourself but, you will start these sessions with me twice a week and see the psychiatrist I recommend for medication. Alright?” Mrs Carraway said, placing her notepad and pen down on the table between them.

Dan had contemplated this meeting the whole morning. He had stared at the post-it note he stuck to his desk four weeks ago, watching as the time up to the appointment went by. Just as the clock struck 11, the time for his appointment, he felt the letter in his pocket feel heavier and heavier, as if it was pulling him down. He wished it would pull him down so much that the Earth could swallow him. But he sighed and picked up the post-it note. And then he ran. He didn't know what changed. After spending two days in bed just crying, something made him want to get up and do this for himself. He ran out of the house and through the campus, reaching Mrs Carraway’s office twenty minutes past his appointment time.

The receptionist gave him the best stinky eyed look for being late and disrupting everyone's schedule, but something in her softened when she really looked at Dan and saw his state. Greased curly hair, bloodshot eyes, still brimming with tears, face red stained. She looked at Dan and felt like this man would truly break down if he didn't get help soon. 

Citing emergency and explaining Dan’s state to Mrs Carraway, she made sure Dan was sitting in front of the counsellor in the next ten minutes, adjusting everyone else for him. Dan profusely thanked her with tears flowing down his face. But when he finally met Mrs Carraway, he found himself just sitting there quietly in the chair opposite to her, staring at the floor and trying to control his sobs. Eventually after ten minutes, when she offered him tissues and water in silence, he opened his mouth to admit that he felt something was wrong within him. Like he wasn't whole. He felt empty and sad and alone most days. And how even thinking about the next day made him anxious and gave rise to a huge episode of existential crisis, that most normal people didn't have. He wanted to be able to get through life, feeling whole at least most days, not letting these feelings take over him. He couldn't bring up the reason he felt even emptier than before in the past few days. At least not yet. Maybe after a few more sessions he could finally open up and talk about Phil.

Mrs Carraway’s words felt soothing, even though they didn't feel true, that things would really get better. But just for one second wanted to believe her. So he nodded, and Mrs Carraway went back and started writing things on a new page. She put it in a file and handed it to Dan, handing him a card as well for a Dr Banner.

“I'll make a call and try to get you the earliest appointment I can with the psychiatrist. Until then I want you to come in every Tuesday and Friday, if that's okay with you? We could do it in the evenings so it doesn't disrupt your classes.”

“I...Not this Friday? I… I have a play rehearsal I'm going to. I used to… like acting and a friend got me this role, it's a minor role in this small play. I could miss it if you want?” Dan said, not wanting to bring Phil or anything relating to him up. He half wanted her to say that she was busy and he'd have to cancel the rehearsal to visit her.

“Oh no, no! It's absolutely great. You should go for it. I'm very proud of you, Daniel. You've already taken a few steps to help yourself. We can reschedule it to Saturday morning. Is that alright?”

Dan nodded, giving her a small smile.

“Good then. Also I want you to attend your classes regularly, but only when you feel like you can pay attention. I don't want you to go to class and have a breakdown. Your health is more important than education at the moment. And I want you to take up a new hobby. I know you're going for this play, but maybe something simple, like say, cooking or writing or painting. Something you can do at home, just a little bit everyday. Can you do that?”

Dan nodded again. And she gave him a big smile. She adjusted her glasses and stood up. Dan stood up as well.

“So see you on Saturday?” She asked.

“Yes,” Dan said in a small but sure voice. 

“Take care Mr Howell,” She said with a smile, as if trying to reaffirm to him that things would get better.

Dan managed to give her a small smile back. He picked up his file and the card and left her office. He smiled at the receptionist as well, trying to convey he was very thankful to her. And he really was. If she hadn’t managed to get him in there at the right time, get him help, he didn’t know what he would’ve done.

He went home and he saw Ben sitting in the lounge when he opened the door. He was hoping he’d make a quick exit, as he hadn’t seen his roommates in days, despite their many attempts to get him out of his room.

“Want to play Mariokart?” Ben simply asked when he noticed Dan. He didn’t say anything about his dishevelled appearance or the very obvious bloodshot eyes.

“Sure,” Dan said, Because anything was better than going back to that room that still smelled of Phil and everything about it reminded him of all the little things that happened in there.

Ben set up the console quickly. He brought some orange juice from the fridge and a box of half eaten pizza. He quietly kept the food between them, not commenting on the fact that Dan had barely had any food in the past few days.

Dan didn’t even realize that Ben could be so aware of him, and he did things in a way that didn’t seem to make him feel bad about his state. His throat bobbed up and down, overwhelmed, but too tired to actually display anymore emotions. Phil had somehow managed to turn his roommates into his friends.

They sat in silence and played Mariokart. Dan didn’t even have the energy to yell when Ben overtook him or gload when he won a race. But somewhere in him, after a long time, he felt a genuine glimpse of happiness when Ben muttered, “Oh screw you, you fuckturd!”, throwing his console at Dan, when Dan won for the third time consecutively. A smile curved his lips and he kept his console aside, picking a slice of pizza and having it quietly.

“Thank you,” Dan whispered almost inaudibly.

But Ben heard him alright and patted his back. “Look, we’re here for you Dan, okay?”

Dan nodded, feeling grateful.

“Phil was… was… I’m sorry, but he was an asshole and you deserve better, okay?” Ben said, squeezing Dan’s shoulder.

And that was when Dan felt angry at Phil. Phil had told him when he’d leave, everybody but he would forget about him.  _ But of course Phil had to have some stupid friendly god-complex or something and think “Hey, this guy I left alone would be sad, let me leave his friends with my memories, so they can time and time again remind him of me and that way he’ll get better.” What a fucking great idea Phil, you stupid fucker! _

Dan bit his lips, and nodded again before getting up. He  finally decided he had to go back to his room, after he realized he had been staring at the empty pizza box for more than a few minutes and Ben started waving his hand in front of his face.

“It’s nothing. I umm...need to go to my room,” Dan said when Ben gave him a questioning look.

“Okay. Just don’t lock yourself up in there again. You can get over this man. You’re stronger than you know and we’re here for you,” Ben said.

Dan just walked to his room without a reply or a backward glance. He fell face down on his bed. He saw Darren playing with his toy in the corner of the room. Darren, as if sensing something wrong with Dan, like he had been for the past few days, went up to him and started licking his face. He wondered how it was that everybody seemed to think he was stronger than he himself knew. _ How can anybody else know how strong I am? I think I was never strong. I was always a mess. And Phil had just come into my life and tried to hold me together. And he did the job so beautifully, that it felt like I was whole again, that there was nothing wrong with me. But then...then he left, reminding me of everything wrong that exists within me. _

And suddenly his thoughts, Mrs Carraway’s advice and Darren’s puppy love made him sit up and hunt down an empty notebook from his desk. He picked up a pen and noted down a kind of poetry that didn’t rhyme, but conveyed everything that was in his heart.

 

_ “Whoever said wish upon a star _ __  
_ And your dreams will come true _ __  
_ Never had a star fall for them _ __  
  


_ They would tell you they could give you anything in three wishes _ __  
_ But anything has so many meanings that it’s vast and infinite _ _  
_ __ And infinity is scary when you want to make them mean something

 

_ But what is the point of the wishes? _ __  
_ When they can’t make you whole? _ _  
_ __ Can’t heal you of all your own faults?

 

_ Do these stars fall for humans because they feel bad for us? _ __  
_ Or are they just addicted to the feeling of being needed? _ _  
_ __ Do they think they can really grant us our heart’s desires?

 

_ Maybe the stars should remain where they are, as they are _ _  
_ _ And maybe we humans should stay where we are, as we are” _

 

Dan bore a hole into the paper, trying to find the last line that would finish his poem, one that’d make his story complete. But he didn’t like his own ending. He didn’t like the fact that the Earthling and the Star had to stay away. Maybe they could’ve found their reasons to live together with each other. When nothing came to his mind after a couple of minutes, he threw the book and the pen across the room

“Fuck you, Phil! Fuck you!”   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The anger was the start of acceptance. Acceptance that Phil had left and he was on his own. And he had to get better for himself. It was a process that he could achieve only on his own. Nobody else could make him whole. Sure, the medicines and counsellors and friends and pets and hobbies could help. But he had to tell himself everyday to do those things, to make an effort to talk to the counsellors and friends and pets. It was a hard process, but Dan was able to achieve it slowly.

The first rehearsal with the small drama group was scary. And he failed miserably at reciting Benvolio’s line from Romeo and Juliet, even though it was the same role he had played in school a few years ago and still remembered the lines verbatim. But his drama peers assured him it was fine and passed his bad recital on a bad day. They told him to come in next week and relax, as they still had a lot of time and probably no one would come to watch their show. That assurance lifted a little weight off Dan’s shoulders and he swore he’d come back in again, better prepared with his lines.

The next step in his part of acceptance came: Accepting the fact that it was okay to feel depressed and anxious at times. That things happen in life to make you feel down time to time. That everybody had a different way of dealing with stress. That sometimes, there didn't have to be a stressor or trigger factors to make you feel down, you could just be down for no reason. And that sometimes the chemicals in the brain were just being stupid and medicines existed to make them right. Being broken sometimes was a sign of being human,and nothing more and nothing less. That he was more than just his illness. He was more than all that was trying to hold him back.

And memories of Phil were one thing that was holding him back. Sometimes he’d feel like Phil was still there, watching him, looking out for him. He’d feel this shiver pass through him, making him think he was being looked after. Sometimes he’d look at the night sky and wonder which one of those stars was Phil. And as much as most of his days and nights were consumed with thoughts of Phil, he made an effort to keep them in the back of his mind. He took up jogging with Xander and Willow every morning. They didn’t speak much, but just jogged leisurely early in the morning, enjoying the wind and the scenery. He took up playing a different video game with Ben every week. He even started attending his classes again a week after starting his therapy. And Darren, cuddles with Darren always helped. He talked to his parents again, and he found that it helped as well, just connecting to them again and asking how they were doing.

Finally things started looking up for him again.

It was a cold windy morning when he woke up to go for a walk. It was six in the morning, but still dark enough that he could see a few stars. He looked up at the sky through his window and sighed. He was ready for this conversation.

“I’m getting better Phil. I’m sorry I’ve been hating on you for some time. I know you had to go. But it was so unfair! I loved you. And I want to think that you loved me too. It wasn’t fair what happened. You didn’t grant me my last wish Phil. No, instead you broke my heart,” Dan said, speaking to the stars once again.

Dan suddenly felt something appear in front of him from outside the window and crash into his body, throwing him on the floor with a hard thud. It happened all too quickly for Dan to notice what it was. But it felt as if a mini car had crashed into him. Only the mini car had long limbs and unnaturally black hair, that looked very familiar.

And then it didn’t even take him another second.

“Phil?”

Dan looked at the black mop of hair lying on his chest and Darren, who had somehow found a way to jump and bump into him and the person lying on top of him, barking loudly.

Phil lifted his head from Dan’s chest, where he’d got smushed against and smiled. He smiled that grin where his tongue poked out from the side of his mouth. And Dan wanted to do nothing more than hold that tongue and pull at it to know if this was really happening or if he was still sleeping.

“Hello!” Phil said all too brightly, smiling again, with his tongue out. He pet Darren with one hand and Darren all but went mad, yipping in glee.

And then Dan did pull his tongue.

“Ow-Wah-An!” Phil tried to say, but to no avail.

Once his tongue was back in his mouth, Phil felt a sharp slap against his face. And if Phil had known it was coming, he’d have prepared himself to completely avoid the hit, but it happened so unexpectedly that Phil felt it against his face even though it didn’t cause any pain.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?” Dan screamed, recoiling from Phil, instead of hugging him desperately like Phil had imagined would happen.

“Ow! Why do you always have to scream when I come? You know it hurts my ears. And a slap? Really?” Phil said, pulling Darren in his hands and covering his ears. He petted Darren a few times and put the pup to sleep. He carefully put the pup on the floor again.

Dan took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Phil was still there, sitting on top of him, pouting, looking at Darren.  _ It’s not a dream. _

He put his hands on Phil’s shoulders and pushed him away, making him fall onto the floor, while he wriggled away.

“This isn’t real. It can’t be. You...you left!”

“I have an explanation for that actually,” Phil said, running his hand over his hair, looking away from Dan.

“Do you? Do you really? Because I think I’m hallucinating all of this. You’re not real. This is not happening!”

“Shh, Dan. My magic has weakened. I can’t keep the volume down for long. You’ll wake everybody else.”

“What do you mean your magic has weakened? You’re supposed to be literal star right now!”

“Shh! Okay, okay. Can I start from the start and do you promise to hear me out? Without slapping me or yelling out again?” Phil asked, earnestly, shuffling closer to Dan, but Dan seemed to move farther away, into the side of the bed as Phil moved. So Phil held himself in his place.

Dan shook his head. He didn’t want to make any promises in a moment where he wasn’t sure if anything was real or not.

“Okay. I deserve that. Fine. I’ll start. I...I’ve been unable to go back home ever since I granted you your wishes and left,” Phil said.

“Ever since?” Dan’s brain just caught onto those two words.

“Ever since,” Phil confirmed.

“Where- No why- I don’t-”

“I didn’t get it either,” Phil said,answering Dan’s unvoiced questions. “I’ve been staying close by, kept an eye on you. Maybe stole some food from you and your friends.”

Dan remained silent. He had questions, way too many questions. And he had accusations that he wanted to blame on Phil. And he had anger that he wanted to take out on Phil.

“Is that why my cereal kept disappearing?” Dan asked finally. He had suspected it was one of his roommates.

“Maybe…”

“And the chocolates?”

“Okay, fine! I stole a lot of your food. Your food is good. I can’t help it!”

“Oh, so you couldn’t stay away from human food but you managed perfectly well to stay away from me. Remember Phil, you told me you and me were connected? Made up of the same stardust and all that bullshit. Remember you told me you felt the same way about me as I did about you? You managed to stay away from me for nearly a month, Phil. Why are you lying? Why are you here? To grant me another three wishes. To make me experience a kind of happiness that I can never have? What cruel game are you playing?”

Just as Dan finished speaking, Phil sneaked up to Dan quickly and kissed his lips, just a quick peck. He broke it apart in less than a second and went back to sitting on the floor, keeping some distance between them once again.

“Sorry. I just had to do that. I’ve been wanting to do that ever since we first kissed,” Phil paused. Dan had a look of horror mixed with sadness on his face. And Phil felt like the guiltiest person and star to ever exist to make somebody look like this at him. “Dan, I...I left. The day I granted you your wishes, I left. I went to the terrace to fly back, but I couldn’t. So I ran away, I don’t even know where, just quite far away, thinking my mind was too fuzzy to focus my magic on travelling. I stayed away for some time, trying again and again to leave. The more I tried, the more my magic seemed to be getting weaker and weaker. I started feeling guilty, that maybe I didn’t grant you your three wishes completely and that’s why I wasn’t being allowed to leave. So I came back. I got lost on my way, but I managed to find you again. I stayed in the shadows, outside your window, on the terrace, in your kitchen and lounge when nobody was home or everyone was asleep. And I saw you. And you seemed to be getting better. You talked to people, you played games on that thing, you went for a run and took your medicines. You were improving. And you were angry at me. You hated me. So who was I to think you needed me?”

Phil paused, hoping Dan would say something, or at least soften his expression, But Dan now looked at him with narrowed eyes instead.

“But just like last time, you said something to me. And I came last time and I came again tonight. Last time you wanted to be granted happiness, so I came. This time you said yourself that I didn’t grant you what you needed the most. And that makes me a terrible star. I don’t think I can go back unless I grant you your real wish,” Phil said.

“And how are you going to do that, Phil? When you are my wish…” Dan tried to hold back his tears.  _ Not again _ , he said to himself.

Phil shrugged. “I don’t have any more stardust.”

“You don’t need anymore stardust for my wish,” Dan said, hating himself for crying again.

“I don’t. You’re right.”

“Do you want to go back?” Dan asked, knowing he’d never be happy if Phil had to stay here forcefully and unhappily away from his friends, away from the sky where he truly belonged. Dan knew what it felt like to not belong. And he didn’t wish that on Phil.

“I...I don’t think so Dan. I used to think before, that I wanted to go back, but I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to come back to Earth to...to do this again. I like being here with you. I don’t want to go back to granting people three wishes. You made me feel more than the star I was, like I wasn’t just someone as a means to your goals. You made me feel like you cared about me, like you loved me. Like this wasn’t just a one-way thing. And I think I liked that feeling too much.”

“But your friends-”

“I’m going to miss them. I’m going to miss helping people as well. But I think I would miss you for the rest of my life if I’ll leave you, and my life is way too long for me to live in that kind of misery.”

“How long will you live if you...you stay here? Will you age? Will you die?”

“I don’t know, Dan. Why don’t I stay around to find out? Do you want me to stay around, Dan?”

“Always,” Dan said after a long pause.

Dan got up and offered Phil his hand. “Always,” Dan said again, before pulling Phil close to him and kissing his lips.

“Always,” Phil promised back in between the kiss.

Suddenly a glow appeared around Phil. Dan stumbled away from Phil, feeling a force, pushing him away. Phil seemed to float in the air, a white glow encapsulating him, before it disappeared. It lasted barely two seconds, but it made Dan lose his vision for more than a few minutes. When Dan could see again, he saw Phil on the ground, a streak of black and silvery dust escape from his window, flying upwards into the sky.

Phil stared at his hands and touched his face. Everything felt different to him, looked different to him.

Dan cautiously took steps closer to Phil. “What just-” Dan couldn’t complete his question, still reeling from the shock.

“I think I…”

They both couldn’t put to words what just happened, even though they both were fairly certain of what just took place.

“You look less like you’re a disco ball, and more like you’re an extremely pale human who probably doesn’t get out in the sun much. And your eyes...they- I’m sorry but they aren’t that magical as before. They’re still pretty colours though,” Dan said finally, wanting to solidify the changes by saying them aloud.

“Pinch me?”

“Oh, gladly,” Dan said before closing the distance between them and pinching Phil’s arm as hard as he could.

“Ouch! It hurts. I’ve never been hurt before! Dan, I-”

“I know!” Dan smiled and hugged Phil. Phil felt less warm than before, but he felt more solid...not magic. He felt like he was here to stay for a long, long time.

Dan kissed Phil again. And even though there was no more magic involved, this kiss felt like magic itself.

When they broke apart after a while, Darren was awake again and pulling at Phil’s pants.

“I think he’s glad I’m back. Are you, Dan?” Phil asked, wanting to make sure once again that Dan still wanted him just as much as he wanted him.

“Wouldn’t have wished for an idiot like you again if I wasn’t. You’re more than anything I’ve ever wanted, ever needed. Thank you, Phil,” Dan said, pulling Phil to bed and wrapping him into his arms.

“Just one question though?” Phil asked, just as Dan was about to pull him into a kiss. “Do humans always see this blurry? Because I feel like I can see you up close but I can’t make out anything well enough further than a hand’s distance away.”

“Oh Phil… we’ll buy you glasses tomorrow,” Dan said, before laughing out loud, playing with Phil’s hair. Of course something had to go wrong with Phil and his human experiences.

He pulled Phil into a kiss and that’s how they spent most of the night. Just kissing, wrapped around each other, while Darren looked away, feeling scandalised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this fic has come to an end I want link some of the other pieces that inspired me/helped me write this:  
> This beautiful poem on this writing page on instagram which is written by the person mentioned in the picture- https://www.instagram.com/p/BcL9I_whZQm/?hl=en&taken-by=thescribbledstories  
> I just quite like this idea of stars thinking about us like that, after writing this whole story based on stars and humans.  
> Also the song- Levitate by Imagine Dragons. It's not their best song but when you listen to the whole of it, it actually does suit this story well.

Epilogue

 

“So what aren’t you supposed to do when I’m on stage?” Dan asked, looking into the mirror and adjusting his hair for the sixth time in the last five minutes.

“I’m not supposed to talk loudly. I’m not supposed to hoot or whistle. Not supposed to scream ‘that’s my husband!’ Or clap too loudly. Basically, I’m not supposed to do any of the good stuff,” Phil said with a pout, stepping behind him and taking Dan’s hands in his. “You look fine. Beautiful in fact! But that’s probably just my biased opinion of you. Stop fidgeting. Take deep breaths, just like how Mrs Carraway taught you.”

“You’d think after eight years of being on stage, I’d be used to this. But it’s always scary for the first few seconds when I go in there. Once I get into the zone, I’m fine. And well, your stupid face in the crowd is helpful too,” Dan said. He placed a kiss on Phil’s cheek, smudging a bit of pink tinted chapstick he had applied for the show, on Phil’s cheek.

“I’m always here to help you Dan.”

Dan scrunched up his face, “Ahh you’re so cheesy, the worst, absolute worst.”

“Well just perfect for you then,” Phil said with a smirk. He had become better at his comebacks after spending eight years with Dan.

Dan showed Phil his tongue and just as he was about to kiss his lips, the event manager walked through his door and told him he was going to be on the stage in thirty seconds.

“Good luck!” Phil said with a quick peck to Dan’s lips.

Dan smiled, watching as Phil left to go sit in the crowd once again. He sighed and shook his head, trying to clear all the negative thoughts just as his name was being called.

And then Dan was on stage, telling his audience the funny story of how he got deodorant in his eyeball, and of how he made things really awkward between him and all the twenty baristas near his house. He told them the exaggerated and over-dramatized versions of the story, watching them laugh. He interacted with the audience, giving them some questionable advice. And towards the end, when he told his audience the story of how he and his family almost missed the flight to this event, Phil, being Phil, hooted. Loudly and obnoxiously, driving the audience to look at him in that second, as he sat in the center in the front row.

“Well, ignoring the very supportive husband’s hoot, who is  by the way the reason we were late, and the cute baby in his arms who is the cutest kid ever, isn’t she? I’m sorry, where was I? Ahh yes, Phil tripping over the security guy’s foot as Darren pulled him along with his leash. The security man was this giant 7 foot tall Hulk. And I was like... Hello, tall daddy! He looked at Phil with this kind of hatred for falling on his feet that as if he was the one who’d got hurt! Me and Phil had this silent conversation by just looking at each other- if we’d have to make a run from the airport and-”

As Dan continued his story, Phil made their three year old in his arms wave at Dan. He looked around and saw how everybody in the crowd was captivated by Dan’s storytelling. He was so happy that Dan went from being someone who thought no one would listen to him, to becoming someone millions of people listened to, looked up to.

And there Dan was on the stage. Living the dream that he never thought could come true. At the center of that dream sat Phil, their daughter Evelyn, and a good dog back home. He still had some bad days, days where he couldn’t even get out of bed. But he knew those days wouldn’t last long, not when he had his very own personal star and a small little family with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Here are some of the helpful websites I could find on the internet. I've no idea how good these websites and services are but they do offer online help and support groups.  
> UK- http://www.depressionalliance.org/  
> USA- https://www.nami.org/  
> Australia- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/  
> This Wikipedia page which lists the national suicide prevention helpline numbers- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> This TED video that talks about what depression really is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0  
> This ASAP Science video that talks about what anxiety is- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALfvFpcItE  
> Also TED posts videos of people who have dealth with anxiety and depression and other mental health issues and they are really helpful.  
> In the end if you're still unsure- talk to a friend, a neighbor, your parents, your siblings, your internet friends or even a stranger on the internet. There is always someone who will help you out and you will get better!  
> If you guys have other resources do link them!


End file.
